Abort, Retry, Fail?
by AnteNomad
Summary: Sometime after Ultimecia's defeat, our heroes must defeat her again. But first, they face an EVIL CONSPIRACY. And some SHOCKING REVELATIONS. Plus the ALIENS. And possibly Mr. Monkey.
1. Setup

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This is a fan fiction. The author does not own any items related to FINAL FANTASY VIII, and does not write this piece for money-making purposes. Do not display this piece without crediting the author. All your base are belong to us.**  
  
  
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(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R_**  
  
  
It's so hard to believe that it's been a whole year since we defeated Ultimecia, said Quistis, as the dazzling rays of the effulgent sun shone down on her from amidst the gilded clouds that framed the cerulean sky, reflected in a kaleidoscopic fashion by the Garden's great ring to form a rococo pattern of myriad lights on the ground about her. Rather than take notice of this spectacular display of scenery that would send all but the most educated of persons hunting for a dictionary, she was focused on a sheet of paper in her hands that looked rather dull when compared to all this.  
  
replied Squall. I'm glad that everything's been so peaceful and happy in Garden.  
  
I'm a little worried, though, said Quistis. You know what they say about good things like this.  
  
What do they say?  
  
They never last.  
  
Oh. Well, you shouldn't think about that. Let's just treasure the time we have.  
  
Quistis nodded. Yes. Yes, you're right. I shouldn't be thinking about bad things. Now's the time to be happy!  
  
Here, Selphie interrupted. Stop it, stop it, _stop it_! she demanded. Squall, could you please put at least _some_ feeling into it?  
  
Squall replied, in the same flat monotone that he had been using since the beginning of the scene.  
  
Come _on_! Selphie persisted. The play's not gonna be _any_ fun if you don't bother acting!  
  
Get someone else to do it, Squall suggested.  
  
I _can't_, Squall! Selphie punctuated the middle word by stomping her boot angrily on the floor of the Quad. You're the Commander, and Quistis is the best instructor in Garden!  
  
Selphie, they fired me, remember? Quistis interjected.  
  
That's not the point! Selphie insisted. People look up to you guys! It just wouldn't _work_ with anyone else!  
  
Quistis sighed. Selphie, I can't help but sympathize with Squall a little. I don't mean to be rude, but this script....  
  
I know it's got a few bugs left in it, Selphie admitted, but we're on a really tight schedule! The Garden Festival is next week, and I _have_ to have the performance done by then!  
  
We know, said Quistis. But maybe we could just...I don't know, do another musical number or something?  
  
Squall was spared from having to choose between theater and music by the Garden's intercom. _Will Squall Leonhart please report to the Headmaster's office,_ it summoned. _Repeat, will Squall please report to the Headmaster's office._  
  
For once, Squall was almost happy to oblige.  
  
  
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Squall's visit to the Headmaster's office, however, quickly relieved him of that relief.  
  
Squall, I've decided to retire as Headmaster of Balamb Garden. I'll be stepping down after the Garden Festival, and I'd like you to take over in my place. Cid delivered this statement in a perfectly matter-of-fact tone, ignoring the fact that his revelation had nearly caused Squall to perform the very impressive feat of choking on the oxygen he had been breathing in at the time.  
  
Once he had averted suffocation, Squall spent the next thirty to forty-five seconds with his right hand figuratively plastered to his forehead. Cid, apparently exhibiting some degree of sympathy for Squall's predicament, waited for him to end his inner monologue before continuing.  
  
Why me? Squall asked.  
  
Well, to be honest.... Cid hesitated. You're very well-respected among the students here, you certainly proved yourself capable during the Ultimecia campaign —  
  
How does defeating a Sorceress have _anything_ to do with running a Garden? Squall demanded.  
  
Cid chuckled. You'd be surprised, actually. Don't worry, Squall; I know you'll do a good job. Edea and I will be moving to a remote town in southern Centra, so I'm afraid you won't be able to reach us for assistance, but I'm sure that won't be necessary. He picked up the glasses that he had taken off at some point and replaced them on his nose. Oh, and we received a message from Esthar. President Laguna is coming by tomorrow, and he wanted to speak to you. It sounds important.  
  
Squall wasn't quite sure whether to be confused or still angry about being made Headmaster against his will or better judgment. The fact that he was confused about whether to be confused or not made him even more confused, which in turn made him angry, and therefore he managed to do both at the same time. He turned to leave.  
  
Oh, Squall! Cid said. If you see Quistis, could you have her come talk to me, too?  
  
Squall was too flustered to even spare a as he left.  
  
  
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Just like that? Quistis asked, as she and Squall were having dinner in the cafeteria that evening. ...Wow. Who ever would have thought that Cid would make you the Headmaster?  
  
Apparently it's a fairly common idea, actually, said Nida, who was also there.  
  
It's ridiculous, Squall grumbled. What do I know about running a Garden? Why couldn't he give it to Xu or somebody?  
  
I think Xu turned the job down, Squall, said Quistis. She's happy where she is.  
  
Squall blinked. Wait...you can turn the job down?  
  
Quistis shrugged. Well, she could. _You_ can't.  
  
Why the hell not? demanded Squall. Why don't I ever get a say in anything?  
  
Wasn't that whole thing about going to Esthar and up to the Lunar base all your idea? asked Nida.  
  
Squall, there are some things that you just have to accept, said Quistis. Sometimes things happen that don't make sense. You should just hope it all turns out for the best. She sighed. I guess I can't really be too impartial about it, though. When he called _me_ in, Cid told me that he'd decided to reinstate me as an instructor, and he didn't explain at all why he'd changed his mind.  
  
Quistis, you got your instructor's license back?! exclaimed Selphie, who had been somewhere nearby. That's _sooooo_ terrific! And congratulations on becoming Headmaster, Squall! I bet you'll do great!  
  
Just then, a distinct clatter arose from a nearby table, where a very sick-looking Zell had just fallen out of his chair and was now being buried by enough hot dogs to fill the back of a Garden car. Selphie and Nida went over to help him up. Squall barely seemed to notice.  
  
...Maybe we should get out of here, Quistis suggested, noting that Squall seemed slightly nauseated himself, though for reasons completely unrelated to his meal.  
  
Squall needed little encouragement.  
  
  
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Remember the first time we came here? Quistis asked, as the two of them leaned against the rail of the Secret Area, bathed in the glow of the Garden's illuminated ring.  
  
Squall gave her a look.  
  
...On second thought, maybe I _don't_ want you to remember that, she said, her reminiscence soured by the reality of the memory. Well, we sure have changed a lot since then.  
  
...Like how? Squall asked.  
  
Well for one thing, we're together now, she said.  
  
Well, okay, Squall admitted grudgingly.  
  
There was a long pause as Quistis searched in vain for any sort of romance in the air.  
  
Squall, I know you don't want to be Headmaster, but I'm sure Cid wouldn't have made the decision unless he trusted your abilities. She took his hand, forcing him to look at her. I trust you, too. I know you'll be a good Headmaster, Squall. Just believe in yourself.  
  
Despite her best efforts, she could detect only a miniscule amount of romance in the air. Still, she kissed him anyway, and was gratified at least in that he didn't resist.  
  
Well well well, said an unexpected familiar voice. Isn't _this_ a pretty picture.  
  
Quistis and Squall quickly composed themselves and spun to face the new arrival. Quistis exclaimed, even though she had already recognized his voice and therefore the sight of him was not particularly surprising. What are you doing here?  
  
I got homesick, Seifer declared, pointing to the Garden with his gunblade and nearly beheading Quistis in the process. So I talked to Cid, and he agreed to let me continue as a student.  
  
He _what_? Squall asked.  
  
Agreed to let me continue as a student, Seifer repeated. Let me guess, you finally hit puberty and it's making your brain a little slow, is that it? He gestured a challenge with his gunblade. You still know how to fight, Mr. Leader? Or are you just one of Cid's trained desk-monkeys now?  
  
Squall, don't, Quistis cautioned, even though it was obvious that he was going to anyway. With a cold fire in his eyes, Squall reached for his gunblade as he settled into a combat stance. This set him up for a particularly embarrassing moment as he discovered that he did not have his gunblade with him.  
  
Seifer laughed. Good one, Squall. Who goes through the Training Center without a weapon, anyhow?  
  
Actually, if you have **Encounter-None**, it's pretty easy, pointed out Nida, who had arrived at some point.  
  
Further conversation was cut off by yet another figure's arrival, running through the entrance past Seifer to collapse in a heap at Squall's feet. she called, while in the process of doing so.  
  
  
  
she said, panting as she attempted to raise herself from the ground. I can't go on by myself anymore. I need your help. I think...no! No! She clutched her head as if in great pain. She's here! I can't...get out get out get _out_ of my mind!  
  
And she collapsed unconscious to the ground.  
  
I'll get help! declared Selphie, who had arrived at some point previous to all this. She then immediately departed towards that end.  
  
said Quistis. This was all quite unexpected.  
  
Nida shrugged. Well, actually....  
  
  
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	2. Revelations

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(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R_**  
  
  
I'm fine, Rinoa insisted as she attempted to get up from her resting place in the Infirmary.  
  
Oh, I don't think so, said Doctor Kadowaki. People who are fine don't experience sudden loss of consciousness. And that was only half an hour ago, while I still don't know what caused it. You're staying here for now. She shone a light into Rinoa's eyes. Looks like your pupils are dilating. Say your name for me.  
  
grumbled Rinoa. And really, there's no need to keep me here. I'm fine!  
  
Didn't you hear what I just said? scolded Kadowaki. You're staying where I can keep an eye on you. She walked away to see about having Zell's stomach pumped.  
  
How are you, Rinoa? asked Squall, who had waited until Kadowaki left to ask Rinoa instead of simply asking the doctor for some reason.  
  
I'm fine, repeated Rinoa. Squall, can you please get me out of here? There's no need to keep me stuck in this place.  
  
I'll see what I can do, Squall promised. He then paused uncomfortably.   
  
Squall, please don't say anything, Rinoa said. I can't bear to think about all the things that happened back then. I know I shouldn't have run away from you, but I didn't want to risk harm to others. I missed you, but it was something I had to do. And I was sad when you didn't come after me, but I suppose it was all for the best, really. But eventually, I just couldn't take it on my own, and I just had to come back. So please, let's just not say anything about it.  
  
Squall assented, and furthermore opted for the kind of not saying anything that actually involved not saying anything.  
  
Rinoa said at length. I came back...because I think something terrible is going to happen. Something really really bad. And it'll happen soon, I think. To us. And we aren't going to like it at all. Having clearly established that something bad was going to happen, she hesitated. It's Ultimecia, Squall. She's trying to take over my mind again. And...I think she might succeed.  
  
  
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asked Quistis. My god! This is certainly unexpected!  
  
Although Nida was indeed standing nearby, he for once refrained from comment.  
  
Squall and Quistis were walking aimlessly along the Garden's main hall, which was largely deserted on account of it being nighttime. Squall was very preoccupied.  
  
Rinoa thinks that Ultimecia might try to use her to take over the world again, said Squall.  
  
But how is that possible? asked Quistis. You saw her die.  
  
said Nida, since Ultimecia's whole plan involved sending her consciousness back in time, this could be an Ultimecia from before the time when you fought her who's doing this now. That doesn't make too much sense, because that implies she had some foreknowledge of her defeat, which would add a lot of futility to her efforts. Or maybe the sorceress powers she passed to Edea and then to Rinoa contained her own consciousness somehow, so Ultimecia's mind is actually existing inside Rinoa's brain. Of course, that's scientifically impossible, but who knows what someone from the future might be capable of?  
  
I don't know, said Squall, failing to register any of what Nida had just said. All I know is we have to stop her.  
  
Oh, how insightful, quipped Seifer from behind them. You come up with that all by yourself, Mr. Leader?  
  
I don't have time for this, Seifer, said Squall, turning around to glare at him.  
  
Yeah, I can see how much trouble I'm causing you, interrupting your very important _walking_, Seifer shot back.  
  
declared Fujin, who was accompanying Seifer.  
  
exclaimed Raijin, who was also there. Hey Squall, he sure got you good, ya know!  
  
Shut up, said Squall.  
  
Hey, I'm here to do you a favor, said Seifer. I'm gonna tell you a story. Who do you think took care of Rinoa after you cast her out into the wilderness?  
  
I didn't do anything of the sort! Squall said, defensively.  
  
Don't you remember? asked Seifer. He fixed his gaze on Quistis, who was looking very uncomfortable. I'll bet _she_ remembers, though. How about it, Instructor? Gonna let your boyfriend in on the secret, or should I?  
  
Are you talking about me? asked Rinoa, who approached at just that moment. Doctor Kadowaki agreed to release me under your supervision, Squall.  
  
Raijin laughed. Yeah, I'll bet Squall's gonna be doing some supervising' tonight, if ya know what I mean, ya know! He nearly doubled over at his own joke.  
  
Fujin evaluated, and emphasized her disapproval with a boot to Raijin's shin that _did_ cause him to double over.  
  
began Rinoa. I know we've made mistakes in the past, but...I'm willing to forgive if you are.  
  
Squall frowned. ...Forgive what?  
  
You don't _remember_? demanded Rinoa. Squall, I can't believe you! How can you — She cut off in midsentence, and collapsed to her knees. No! It's her! She's back again! _No_!  
  
And she collapsed unconscious to the floor.  
  
See, this is why I didn't want her removed from the infirmary, said Kadowaki, who had followed Rinoa there from the infirmary and now picked her up to carry her back.  
  
This is going to be a long night, I think, said Quistis.  
  
  
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The next morning, Squall had returned to the Infirmary to check on Rinoa.  
  
I'm fine! Rinoa declared. Really! There's no reason to keep me here!  
  
The last time I let you out of here, you collapsed two minutes later, Kadowaki reminded her.  
  
But I'm fine now! insisted Rinoa. Squall, please. I don't want to be stuck in this place any longer.  
  
Squall began.  
  
Kadowaki sighed. All right, Squall. But I want to see her back here for regular checkups.  
  
Nodding, Rinoa raised herself off the bed, a moment before clutching her head and collapsing to the floor. she cried, before losing consciousness again.  
  
Although Kadowaki did not actually _say_ I told you so,' it was rather apparent in her body language and expression as she lifted Rinoa back onto the medical bed.  
  
Maybe we should just let her rest, said Quistis, who had observed the scene.  
  
I think that would be a _very_ good idea, agreed Kadowaki.  
  
The intercom chimed. _Will the Sorceress Team please report to the Headmaster's Office. Repeat, will the team that defeated Ultimecia please report to the Headmaster's Office._  
  
I guess we'd better go, said Quistis.  
  
Reluctantly, Squall agreed.  
  
  
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For twenty-four years, I've been tracking these aliens, narrated the harried-looking man who couldn't be older than thirty. They've always been able to elude me because of their alien technology. But not anymore! Now, I can afford to hire SeeD to track down the aliens for me! Now, they will not be able to escape! He thrust his hand into the air triumphantly, nearly dislodging the very large tinfoil hat that was balanced precariously atop his head. It took him a few seconds to set it right again.  
  
You're hiring us to hunt down aliens? asked Squall.  
  
That's right! the man stated. You'll proceed to the Winhill area, which has an unusually high instance of paranormal activity — he unfolded an old, worn map with a number of locations and notes marked in pencil. — so there's the highest chance of alien encounter. You'll remain in the area until you've discovered these aliens, analyzed their weaknesses, and come up with a technology to block their brain-wave readers that can protect the entire world from their menace! Once you've done this, you'll be heroes, and the saviors of this entire planet!  
  
Kind of like we are now? Irvine asked.  
  
The man didn't even miss a beat. Yes, but even _more_ so! he said enthusiastically.  
  
We're doing this mission for very little money, said Cid, so we won't be able to send you any backup equipment or personnel. You'll have to use whatever you can get from outside resources.  
  
The question of why the five SeeDs whom had defeated Ultimecia were being contracted out for so little money in the first place went unanswered. And unasked. Much the same was true for the question of when Irvine had become a SeeD.  
  
Are there any questions? asked Cid. He didn't wait to see if there were. Oh, and Squall, President Laguna will be arriving shortly; he wanted to speak with you before he left. Said it was something important about your past.  
  
Doubting that a bumbling idiot like Laguna could possibly have anything important to say, Squall didn't bother to voice any acknowledgment.  
  
  
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Squall, when Raine died... Laguna hesitated. I mean, when I was in Esthar and found out....No, that's not what I...er.... He scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably. You were...I mean, I thought...that is, I couldn't...when the news came, I...there wasn't...things just got out of hand, you know?  
  
Squall did not know. Indeed, he had absolutely no idea what the man was talking about; and considering he had a mission to prepare for, he was getting rather impatient.  
  
I...more than anything, I wanted to...if I hadn't...Squall, I.... He shook his head in frustration.  
  
What he's trying to say, Ellone translated, is that the child Raine had right before she died...was _you_, Squall.  
  
Squall blinked.   
  
I didn't know! Laguna cried. If I had, I promise I wouldn't have rested until I'd found you, but when I found out it was too late and the people in Winhill wouldn't tell me anything because they never really liked me and they thought I'd run out on Raine even though I just wanted to save Ellone but in the end I lost you both because I stayed in Esthar which I no way would have done if I'd known about you and — He was in danger of hyperventilating.  
  
You should've found a way, Squall growled. I grew up never knowing who my parents were. Now I know, and I'll hate you forever for what you did.  
  
said Ellone. It wasn't Laguna's fault. He loves you very much; after all the time you spent in his head, you should know how he feels about family.  
  
Squall sighed. ...You're right. I...forgive you, Laguna.  
  
Oh, Squall! Laguna exclaimed; and father and son embraced for the first time.  
  
When that was done with, Squall glanced at both of them questioningly. Well, is there anything else? I've got a mission to get to.  
  
Laguna scratched the back of his neck. ...I guess not, but —  
  
Squall turned and left.  
  
  
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	3. Unforeseen Events

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(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R_**  
  
  
The _Ragnarok_'s rockets ignited even before the hover systems had completely lifted it off the ground; the vessel shot away from Balamb Garden as if it had been fired from a cannon, and it was fortunate for all concerned that no persons or structures had been located directly in front of or behind the spaceship at the time.  
  
Selphie exclaimed, removing her hands from the control panel in order to raise them triumphantly in the air. That was _soooo_ cool!  
  
Selphie, look out! Quistis exclaimed, as the _Ragnarok_, still flying at a very low altitude, nearly plowed straight through the Balamb forest. Responding with lightning-fast resources, Selphie flipped the nose of the vessel nearly ninety degrees upward, sending them shooting into the sky and sending anyone not comfortably seated sprawling backwards in the second or two it took for the artificial gravity to switch on. Their altitude went from ten meters to ten thousand in the moment it took for Selphie to level them off.  
  
I honestly can't imagine why the Esthar pilot allowed us to take this ship, said Quistis, whose heart rate had increased by a factor of 2.7 in the fourteen seconds since their takeoff.  
  
Who cares? Selphie asked. This ship is _soooo_ cool! It'd be really fun sometime to just fly it around really fast!  
  
Please don't, moaned Rinoa.  
  
Quistis frowned. Rinoa, what are you doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you be in the Infirmary still?  
  
I can't stay behind, Quistis, said Rinoa. I need answers. I need to know why this is happening to me.  
  
You expect to find answers on a mission to hunt aliens? Quistis asked.  
  
Let her come, Quistis, said Squall. She needs to do this.  
  
Quistis shrugged. Well, it's not as if I have much choice, considering I'm not in charge of this mission and we've already taken off.  
  
Speaking of things that don't make too much sense, Nida said, Doesn't it seem kind of odd that you got your Instructor's license reinstated, but you're still being sent on missions like a regular SeeD?  
  
Quistis frowned. Nida, what are _you_ doing here?  
  
Nodding, Squall went back to sit with Rinoa. How are you feeling? he asked.  
  
she replied. Squall, I thought about a lot of things while I was away from you, and...mostly, I was thinking about you. I know I said I couldn't bear to think about what happened, but I can't stop myself. Looking back...I think maybe I shouldn't have run away. That didn't solve anything, and I'm sorry I did it. But I still can't believe you could have given up on me so easily!  
  
What are you talking about? Squall asked. I didn't do anything! You ran away and told me not to go after you!  
  
I never said that! Rinoa exclaimed. And even if I had, you should have done it anyway! Any good boyfriend knows that! She turned away from him and hugged her legs. _Seifer_ knew that.  
  
Is there something you want to tell me about Seifer? Squall asked. Just say it if there is.  
  
Rinoa turned back around. Squall, there's something I have to ask you.  
  
  
  
Rinoa hesitated, looking hesitant. Why —  
  
We're here! Selphie exclaimed.  
  
  
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That was a fast trip, Quistis commented, as they struck out across the Winhill plains.  
  
I flew us here really fast! declared Selphie proudly. Rockets are _sooo_ cool! They make things go really really fast!  
  
So what are we supposed to be looking for, anyway? Irvine asked.  
  
Squall told him.  
  
Yeah, but how are we supposed to do that? I mean, I guess I slept through all my alien-hunting classes back at Garden.  
  
We look around until we find something, Squall explained. There has to be a reason we were sent here.  
  
Like maybe because the guy didn't have anyplace better to send us, because he's an idiot? asked Irvine.  
  
Don't refer to our employer that way, said Squall. ...Not out loud, anyway.  
  
Heey, guys! Selphie exclaimed. Look at this! She was pointing to a circular depression in the ground. This could be a footprint from an alien landing pad!  
  
What kind of ship would only have _one_ landing pad? Irvine asked.  
  
An _alien_ one! Selphie replied. Or maybe it was caused by their abductor beam, because it doesn't just pick up people but the patch of ground they were standing on too!  
  
We should keep looking, Squall suggested.  
  
Selphie bounded ahead. They've gotta be nearby!  
  
said Rinoa. I don't feel well.  
  
Maybe you should go back to the ship, Rinoa, suggested Quistis.  
  
Rinoa shook her head. No, I wanna stay with Squall.  
  
Quistis sighed.  
  
So, how long until we can say there are no aliens here and go home? asked Irvine.  
  
Squall took out their contract. According to this, we have to stay until we find the aliens and determine their weaknesses. There's no mention of what to do if we can't find any, except that we're to wait here until we do.  
  
Oh, great, said Irvine. What kind of a mission is that?  
  
Kind of like the one that was supposed to be active until Timber gained its independence, said Nida, who was still hanging around.  
  
Irvine groaned. Squall, when you're Headmaster, promise me you'll stop taking such idiotic jobs, okay?  
  
Nida was frowning. Wait...can you people hear me now?  
  
Selphie exclaimed, as she found herself being lifted off the ground by an invisible force. A circular patch of the earth she had been standing on was being lifted up as well. Guys, I think I found the aliens! And they're lifting me off the ground! Somebody help!  
  
Oh, my, said Quistis, looking up at the saucer-shaped craft that was hovering above Selphie's position. It really _is_ an alien spaceship.  
  
I'm still skeptical, said Irvine. It could be swamp gas, or some kind of crazy Float spell gone wrong.  
  
Selphie prodded, as she rose higher into the air.  
  
Don't worry, Selphie! Quistis called. We'll get you down! She turned to Squall. How are we going to get her down again, Squall?  
  
Squall blinked. How should _I_ know?  
  
Squall, you've gotta _do_ something! Zell exclaimed.  
  
Yeah, Selphie's counting on you! added Irvine.  
  
Save me, Squall! Selphie called.  
  
Why the hell does everything always become _my_ responsibility? Squall demanded. Wy can't any of _you_ do something for a change?  
  
Time's running out, Squall! Quistis urged. Hurry! Think of something!  
  
Squall pressed his hand to his forehead. By the time he was once again paying attention to his surroundings, Selphie had been swallowed up by a bright light at the bottom of the alien ship which was now disappearing over the horizon.  
  
...We'd better report back to Garden, he said.  
  
  
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What are you back _here_ for, then? demanded the man with the tinfoil hat. You just let the aliens get away, just like that? I demand that you follow them back to their mothership immediately!  
  
The...unidentified vessel was outside the range of the _Ragnarok_'s radar by the time we had taken off, Squall reported. There was no way to track them.  
  
I hired you people to track down and interdict the alien menace! insisted the tinfoil hat man. You get out there and don't come back until you've found them! And interdicted their menace! He stomped out the door.  
  
...What a moron, Squall said.  
  
Hey, aren't we supposed to not say things like that about our employer? Irvine asked.  
  
What, like Squall ever follows his own advice? inquired Nida rhetorically.  
  
We do have to save Selphie, though, said Quistis.  
  
But how are we gonna do that? asked Zell. I mean, the aliens took her off in some kinda spaceship! How are we gonna track down something like that?  
  
...With _another_ spaceship, maybe? asked Irvine.  
  
Yeah, but were are we gonna find one of those? I mean, it's not like spaceships just fall outta the sky or somethin'.  
  
The _Ragnarok_ is a spaceship, Zell, said Quistis.  
  
Zell hesitated. ...Oh, yeah.  
  
Now, I'm not saying I actually think this is an alien spaceship we're dealing with, said Irvine. That's silly, because aliens aren't real.  
  
We'll prepare the _Ragnarok_ for orbital flight, said Squall. Everyone, be ready to leave. We're going to find these aliens, and we'll get Selphie back.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
Squall, what are we _really_ doing? Quistis asked. They were alone now in the Garden's front courtyard.  
  
I don't know, Squall admitted. Everything's been different since Rinoa came back.  
  
Quistis shook her head. Rinoa. It's always about _her_, isn't it? I've tried to be patient, Squall, but I can't stand the way that whenever she's around, she becomes the only thing in the world for you! How do you think that makes me feel?  
  
Quistis, why does everything always have to be about you? Squall shot back. It's annoying. Why don't you just accept that I care about Rinoa, because it isn't ever going to change!  
  
Quistis recoiled, for a moment looking completely heartbroken. Then, she assumed her more common expression of cold impersonality. she said. Then I guess there's no point in our being together any longer.  
  
Squall watched silently as she turned and walked away.  
  
Well, now, came a voice from nearby, where Seifer was standing. For some reason, neither Squall nor Quistis had noticed him before. You've got quite a way with the ladies, don't you, Puberty Boy?  
  
Shut up, Seifer, said Squall.  
  
Seifer laughed. Are you ever going to learn a new retort, Squall? That one's not just lame; it's getting kind of old.  
  
Shut — Squall stopped himself, and glared. What do you want?  
  
At the moment, I want to see if your vocabulary can go beyond a few canned responses, said Seifer. So far, the results aren't promising.  
  
I don't care about any of that! Squall declared.  
  
Oh, don't worry, said Seifer while grinning. It's not _your_ fault. As a matter of fact, there's no way you could know what's about to happen.  
  
What are you talking about, Seifer? Squall demanded.  
  
You'll find out, he replied. And you'll just _love_ what your role will be in this new drama. I know _I'm_ looking forward to it. Laughing ominously, he turned and left.  
  
growled Squall, glaring after Seifer in a hostile manner.  
  
Just then, he was hit on the head by a rock.  
  
You suck! declared Mr. Monkey, who retreated into the shadows before Squall could retaliate.  
  
In response, Squall glowered some more.  
  
  
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	4. Interlude

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You're aware that I've decided to readmit Seifer into Garden, said Cid, who was sitting behind his desk.  
  
Yes, I am, said Quistis, who was standing in front of it.  
  
I think people deserve second chances, said Cid. I hope you understand.  
  
But Seifer? asked Quistis. After all he's done? Do you really think there's hope for him?  
  
Yes, I do, said Cid. And since you were his former instructor, I think it's appropriate that you be the one to oversee his training this time around.  
  
Are you joking? asked Quistis. The last time I tried to instruct him, it was a disaster!  
  
Quistis, I have confidence in you, said Cid. What happened wasn't your fault.  
  
You should have more faith in yourself, added Edea, who was also in the room. We know you'll be an excellent instructor.  
  
Then why did you fire me?  
  
Cid shrugged. Well, the faculty thought it was a good idea, and spineless as I am, I —  
  
Let's not revisit bad memories, said Edea. What matters is the future.  
  
I hope so, Quistis muttered. But with Rinoa here, I might have to confront a bad memory from my past.  
  
Edea frowned. What was that?  
  
Quistis shook her head. Nothing. I was just.... She frowned. ...Foreshadowing. I don't know what came over me.  
  
Cid was also frowning. Isn't memory from my past' a bit redundant? After all, what else would you have memories from?  
  
Well, there was that time she was junctioned to Kiros, pointed out Nida. Or was it Ward? ...and I suppose that could still count as being in her past, so it might not matter.  
  
Quistis looked at him. Nida, why are _you_ always hanging around?  
  
Nida shrugged.  
  
...so anyway, said Cid, attempting to regain control of the conversation. As Seifer's instructor, you'll be responsible for keeping track of his behavior and making sure he stays in line. You should probably keep an eye on Fujin and Raijin, too; they're also being returned to positions within Garden.  
  
Headmaster, I really don't think having Seifer around is a good idea, insisted Quistis.  
  
Cid nodded. Yes, I know you don't. Thank you, Quistis, you're dismissed.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
I mean, he was just so dismissive! Laguna said. He was standing on the observation deck of the _Apocalypse_, the _Ragnarok_'s sister ship. So that she could be easily distinguished from the _Ragnarok_ by Esthar's traffic controllers — who, because of budget cuts, were only equipped with binoculars — the ship's hull had been repainted in royal blue. He just said, Whatever' and walked off!  
  
He also said that he forgave you, said Ellone. What more did you want from him?  
  
I dunno...maybe we could've caught up on how our lives have been, or promised to keep in touch, or at least traded mailing addresses! I don't even know how to reach him!  
  
You can get his mailing address from the Balamb Garden archives, said Kiros.  
  
Laguna shook his head. Nah, I tried that. They sent me a bunch of forms that I couldn't understand; and when I had Ward fill them in and send them back, they said that they couldn't release the information to me because I was a foreign national and Balamb didn't have an information-exchange treaty with Esthar; and when I had you negotiate one of those, they said they couldn't release the forms to me because I was a foreign national; and when I tried to apply for Balamb citizenship, they sent me a whole bunch more forms I couldn't understand; and when I had Ward fill those in and send them back, they said they couldn't grant my citizenship because I was a member of the government in a foreign country; and when I tried to resign as president, you guys wouldn't let me! He paused for breath. Anyway, that isn't the point! I want him to _want_ to keep in touch with me! What good is it for me to just keep badgering him around until he gets tired of me?  
  
So do you expect _us_ to do something? Kiros asked.  
  
I dunno! I just want him to like me! Is that so much to ask?  
  
Kind of, said Ellone. This _is_ Squall we're talking about.  
  
  
  
Ellone blinked. ...Oh, right; you don't know him very well. This had a depressive effect on Laguna. No, I'm sorry; I know that isn't your fault —  
  
It's okay, said Laguna. I figured it couldn't be worse back when I didn't even know if my son was alive. But now I know, and it feels worse, so I guess I was wrong about that.  
  
Seems like a reasonable conclusion, Kiros noted.  
  
Ellone said. Just give him time. And...I'll do what I can, too.  
  
Kiros frowned at her. Was that foreshadowing?  
  
Ellone frowned. No. I was just saying that I'd help if I could.  
  
Kiros nodded.   
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
I don't remember said Quistis. I've felt miserable for as long as I can remember, and the times when I thought I wasn't miserable were just me feeling slightly less miserable than I had been before. My whole life's been a roller-coaster of miserableness. She laughed. Hear that? I'm so miserable that I can't even think straight; I'm using words like   
  
So, bad day? Xu asked.  
  
You have no idea. Cid wants me to be Seifer's instructor again. Rinoa's back in Garden. Selphie's missing.  
  
Actually, I did know all that, said Xu.  
  
I feel like my life is going into one of those really sharp drops that roller-coasters have, said Quistis. You ever been on a roller-coaster?  
  
Xu nodded. There used to be one in Timber. The Galbadians closed it down, though; said the wooden construction was subversive.  
  
That's too bad, said Quistis. I've always wanted to be on a roller-coaster.  
  
Quistis, how much have you had to drink? Xu asked.  
  
Don't remember, Quistis admitted. I'm very depressed. I understand this is want people do when they're depressed. Thought I'd give it a try. She looked to Xu. You know what?  
  
What, Quistis?  
  
It doesn't help at all. Really, I think I even feel worse. I feel...kind of sick.  
  
Maybe we should go to the Infirmary, said Xu.  
  
No, I'm okay, said Quistis. She smiled. Magic makes everything better.  
  
Quistis, you don't have a GF junctioned.  
  
Quistis frowned. Oh. I guess that explains why there wasn't any pretty blue light. That light is kind of pretty, isn't it? I've never really thought about it before.  
  
Let's go to the Infirmary, said Xu.  
  
Good idea, said Quistis. She started to head for the Infirmary, then stopped. Wait, where are we?  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
The Headmaster's in his office, said Squall, taking little notice of the tall, one-armed man wearing a Dollet military uniform.  
  
The man nodded. Yes, indeed he is. But he said I ought to speak to you instead, that you'd be the new Headmaster before long. He saluted. I am Colonel Jedrik Torzen, formerly of the Dollet Army. Headmaster Cid hired me to serve as Garden Master to replace your previous one.  
  
Now Squall frowned at him. His tone was rather gravelly and not inspiring of much trust; and his features were rather sinister as well. he said.  
  
I would like to begin my work as soon as possible, said Torzen. Are there any functions that I ought to perform right away?  
  
You'll find all the records in the Garden's main server, said Squall, hoping the information would cause the man to go away. There should be a computer access on the B1 level. He thought about mentioning that no one had quite got around to renovating it since Master NORG had entered his glowing-cocoon phase, but decided the man would be able to figure that out on his own.  
  
Torzen nodded. Very well. I will begin immediately.  
  
As he turned and left, Squall went back to his original task, that being pacing around the main hall while brooding.  
  
Hey, Squall! said Zell, approaching. Was that the new Garden Master? I heard he single-handedly killed 27 people during the Galbadian invasion of Dollet!  
  
Squall immediately turned to walk the other way.  
  
That's sure something, huh? Zell continued. Wonder what kind of guy it takes to be a cold-blooded killer like that?  
  
Haven't you killed, like, hundreds of people by now? Nida asked.  
  
said Trepe Groupie #12. And Instructor Trepe has killed...  
  
How can you possibly know that? asked Xu, as she and Quistis approached.  
  
Squall said. Where have you been?  
  
Quistis shrugged. I don't know. It was never established.  
  
  
  
said Rinoa, approaching from yet another direction. I can't take this anymore! We need to talk!  
  
Squall frowned. About what?  
  
Rinoa averted her eyes. I...can't talk about it.  
  
Then how are we supposed to talk? Squall asked.  
  
I don't know! she exclaimed. Does it look like I have all the answers?!  
  
shouted Irvine, who had arrived at some point. Aren't we forgetting something?  
  
The others all thought about this for a moment.  
  
Irvine prodded. Abducted by something that coincidentally looked a lot like an alien spaceship but can't be because everyone knows that aliens aren't real? Us going to find her? Is this ringing a bell with anyone?  
  
All except the part about the thing looking like a spaceship but everyone knowing it wasn't real, or whatever, said Quistis.  
  
Forget about that! said Irvine. We've gotta find Selphie!  
  
Oh, yeah! exclaimed Zell. Selphie's missing! We've gotta find her!  
  
Oh, right, said Squall. He turned to Nida. Is the _Ragnarok_ ready to leave?  
  
Nida nodded. It has been since yesterday afternoon.  
  
Squall nodded. Then let's go.  
  
  
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	5. Action

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Squall, are you sure this is such a good idea? asked Quistis.  
  
I don't want Seifer causing trouble while I'm away, Squall insisted, as they headed for the library, Seifer's last known location.  
  
So instead he'll be causing trouble for us on the _Ragnarok_? Quistis shook her head. I don't like it. Xu can handle Seifer; and I think it'd be best to keep him away from you, and especially Zell.  
  
Can't you ever be supportive of my ideas? Squall grumbled.  
  
Quistis scoffed. Oh, _you're_ one to talk about being supportive.  
  
Squall grumbled.  
  
Further argument was cut off by the sudden appearance of a student leaving the library. This particular student was most notable for the fact that he was sailing through the air, rather than walking out in the normal fashion. He was, in fact, so high off the ground that he cleared the safety rail and fell right into the large pool that lay underneath the hall's walkway.  
  
What the...? Squall began; but the answer to this question immediately came running out after him.  
  
That'll teach you to make noise in the library, ya know! Raijin declared. You ain't welcome here no more! Gotta order your books online, ya know!  
  
Uh, excuse me.... The Library Girl with a Pigtail was timidly approaching Raijin from behind. We don't really have the authority to ban people from the Li—  
  
There's one guy who won't be botherin' the other students, ya know! Raijin declared triumphantly, as the student hurriedly swam away.  
  
Quistis said, arriving on the scene. Have you seen Seifer?  
  
Raijin asked. He was in here checkin' out some textbooks earlier, but I dunno where he is now. It's really cool workin' in here, ya know? The Library Committee is _way_ better than the Disciplinary Committee, ya know!  
  
This prompted a sigh from the Library Girl with a Pigtail.  
  
Hey, Fujin might know! suggested Raijin.  
  
Where could we find her? Quistis asked.  
  
Oh, she's in class, ya know! said Raijin. Cid's puttin' us to work right away, ya know!  
  
Which class? asked Squall.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
The student gulped nervously as he stood by his painting. So...how is it, ma'am? he asked.  
  
The color scheme suggests a surrealistic motif that is not consistent with the straightforward nature of the piece. Its sharp lines suggest a style that contrasts badly with the disproportionate bodies and exaggerated facial features. This could have made a respectable ironic statement, mocking the disorganized nature of most modern art, but the detail put into the bodies seems to suggest a more dramatic intention, and this fails completely.  
  
The student blinked.   
  
the instructor paraphrased. POORLY DONE. D-MINUS.  
  
The student jumped. Y-Yes, ma'am!  
  
Squall and Quistis entered. Fujin, can we talk to you for a second?  
  
Fujin nodded.   
  
Have you seen Seifer? Squall asked.  
  
Fujin nodded.   
  
Is he still here inside Garden? Squall asked.  
  
Fujin shook her head.   
  
Did he leave Balamb? Squall asked.  
  
Fujin shook her head.   
  
Did Seifer fall down the well? Quistis asked.  
  
Fujin stared at her.   
  
Where is he? Squall asked.  
  
Fujin answered.   
  
Squall said.  
  
So he's all ready to go already? Quistis asked.  
  
Fujin confirmed.  
  
_All_ ready? Already? Quistis frowned. Okay, I'm never saying _that_ again.  
  
Let's go, Squall suggested. The others are probably at the _Ragnarok_ by now, too.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
Where is everybody? Rinoa asked. She and Seifer were standing alone on the _Ragnarok_'s bridge.  
  
Maybe they'd hurry up if we took off and left without Seifer suggested.  
  
Rinoa giggled. You know how to fly this thing?  
  
Seifer shrugged. Sure. I went through my last year of SeeD training four times, so I racked up a lot of electives. Foreign Spacecraft Operation was one of my favorites, right behind Advanced Sorceress Mythology and Theatre Arts.  
  
Rinoa began, as if she had something important to say. ...No. I shouldn't be talking about it.  
  
Is it about Squall? Seifer asked. He's not worth it, you know.  
  
But I care about him! Rinoa declared. I only wish...he felt the same way for me. But how could he, after what he did?  
  
You know, said Seifer. You've been goin' over the same introspective for, like, a year now. Doesn't it ever get old for you? Cause I've gotta say, listening to you angst about Mr. Leader Puberty Boy all the time isn't a big thrill for me. He noticed that Squall was standing on the lift. Oh, hi Squall.  
  
We're leaving, said Squall. Where are all the others?  
  
Seifer shrugged. Got me. Lost your crew again, Mr. Leader? Judging by your performance so far, I can't even guess why someone thought you'd make a good Headmaster.  
  
Can't you do anything but throw insults, Seifer? asked Squall.  
  
Seifer shrugged again. Oh, I _can_ do other stuff, Puberty Boy. This is just way more fun.  
  
Then Irvine arrived on the bridge. Oh, so you guys are all finally here! he said. Can we please go save Selphie now?  
  
Is everyone aboard? asked Squall.  
  
Quistis, Fujin and Raijin are on the lower level, Irvine replied.  
  
Which you really should know, considering you came aboard with them, said Nida.  
  
Then let's get going, said Squall.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
Where are you going? asked Xu.  
  
Although he looked startled for a moment, Colonel Torzen covered it well by projecting a strong air of calm secrecy. I was just going to inspect your Garden's MD level, to see if we could salvage its equipment for other uses, he said.  
  
said Xu. What's all this equipment for? She indicated the large amount of electronics he was carrying.  
  
My own personal diagnostic devices, he replied. This Garden's equipment stores did not have what I require, so I had to have my own equipment shipped in from Dollet.  
  
Xu nodded.   
  
I do apologize for the use of Garden funds, Torzen said, but I felt it important that the work be done right away. The only way possible was for me to use my own equipment and conduct the work myself.  
  
Xu nodded. I see.  
  
It's all perfectly normal and not in any way associated with a sinister agenda, Torzen said.  
  
Xu nodded. Of course.  
  
The two of them stared at each other for a moment in silence.  
  
Well, then, said Torzen. I'll just get back to my work, if you don't mind.  
  
Xu nodded.   
  
Good day, ma'am, said Torzen; and he went on his way into the lift.  
  
Xu frowned at him as he left. There was something decidedly strange about that man.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
I'm telling you, man, there's something _really_ strange about this, Zell was saying.  
  
You mean the part where Selphie got abducted by aliens, the part where Seifer appeared out of the blue and got readmitted to Garden, the part where Rinoa appeared out of the blue with him and keeps getting knocked out by Ultimecia, the part where Laguna appeared out of the blue to tell Squall he's his father, or how all of those things happened within the space of a few hours? asked Nida.  
  
Quistis agreed. Something strange is certainly going on here. She blinked, looking at Nida. Wait...Laguna said _what_ to Squall?!  
  
Even supposin' there _are_ aliens, Zell said. Why'd they be pokin' around our planet, anyway? I mean, it's 4 light-years to the nearest star, so even if that's where they're from, an' assuming their ships can travel at practically the speed of light, it'd take them four years to get here? Why'd they make such a long trip jus' to abduct Selphie?  
  
I can't believe Squall didn't tell me! Quistis exclaimed.  
  
Uh, it's Squall, Nida pointed out. Not that she was paying attention.  
  
Besides, if you examine the way alien sightings jumped up right after the Sorceress War, you notice that they really seem like they're just fueled by the media frenzy, Zell continued. I mean, the first flying saucers weren't saucer-shaped at all; they got the name because the guy who described them said they were like saucers skippin' through water! But after that, every UFO anyone sees is always saucer-shaped! What's up with that?  
  
It's like our relationship doesn't mean anything to him! continued Quistis. Something like discovering that he isn't an orphan after all; even if we weren't together, he should have told his friends!  
  
And what kind of plan would require the aliens to run around and abduct random people, then bring em back later so they can tell the whole world about what happened? continued Zell. It doesn't make any sense, you know?  
  
Quistis shook her head. That's it! I'm going to have a talk with him right now! And she stormed off.  
  
Zell sighed. Aw man...all alone.  
  
Nida groaned.  
  
  
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	6. Pursuit

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All right, we're clearin' the upper atmosphere and entering low orbital range, Irvine said from the _Ragnarok_'s pilot chair, as he examined the attitude readout. At least, I _think_ that's what ASPZE-31192-JKLOL-1337X0R means.  
  
The ship does have an automap, you know, said Nida, pointing at a display showing the planet, the moon, and a flashing yellow dot in-between the two.  
  
Hey, _you_ wanna drive this thing? grumbled Irvine, then blinked as it dawned on him that he had just responded to Nida.  
  
Squall was in the back, with Rinoa. You know, he said, Laguna came to visit just before we left yesterday. He said...he was my father.  
  
Rinoa looked surprised. Quistis, who had just arrived on the bridge, looked stunned.  
  
Squall, how _could_ you?! she demanded. You won't tell me at all, but with Rinoa you'll just volunteer the information out of the blue for no clear reason whatsoever? Doesn't our relationship mean _anything_ to you?  
  
Squall turned away from her.   
  
Oh, I am _so_ sick and tired of hearing that! Quistis exclaimed. Squall, do you want to go to Balamb for dinner?' Whatever.' Squall, do you think the political instability in Galbadia could lead to a more aggressive foreign policy?' Whatever.' Squall, are we only together because Rinoa left and you needed somebody to fall back on?' Whatever!' Doesn't anything ever _matter_ to you? ...Or is it just _me_ who doesn't matter? Becoming tearful, she took off the ring she had been wearing. Well, you can have your stupid promise ring back! She threw it on the floor and, with what composure she still had, turned to leave.  
  
However, since she had never stepped off the lift to begin with, she had nowhere to leave to. Therefore, she had to step off, then get back on in order for it to descend.  
  
Wow, that's harsh, man, said Irvine, who had witnessed the scene along with everyone else.  
  
you've sure got a way with the ladies, Squall, added Seifer.  
  
Man, you gotta learn to be more considerate! called Zell from the level below.  
  
...You gave her my promise ring? Rinoa asked, staring at the ring on the deck.  
  
Shouldn't someone be driving? wondered Nida.  
  
Squall said acidly; and he turned to leave.  
  
He didn't, however, as a beeping noise began to come from the _Ragnarok_'s sensor detection console.  
  
said Irvine. I think the sensors are detecting something!  
  
What is it? Squall asked.  
  
Irvine frowned. It's, like, this flashing green dot, right in front of that big yellow cone that's coming out of that other white dot. He frowned. Hey, _we're_ that other white dot! That means the aliens are right in front of us! He hesitated. Except they aren't aliens, because there's no conclusive evidence that aliens exist.  
  
Well, now, Seifer mused. Isn't _that_ convenient?  
  
I was gonna say.... Nida agreed.  
  
Squall frowned. We need answers, he said. Set an intercept course.  
  
Uh, Squall, Irvine said, they're right in front of us. We're already _on_ an intercept course.  
  
Squall blinked. he said curtly. ...Keep it up.  
  
You think Selphie's on that ship? asked Rinoa.  
  
That's pretty much the assumption we've been working under, Irvine drawled. Except it's not an _alien_ ship, because—  
  
Oh, shut up already, interrupted Seifer.  
  
I never even said it was an alien ship, Rinoa muttered.  
  
Squall assumed a determined expression. We'll find out soon enough, he said.  
  
A new beeping sound came from the controls. Uh oh, said Irvine. Squall, they must've seen us; they're speeding up!  
  
After them! Squall commanded.  
  
Uh, weren't we _already_ going after them? asked Nida.  
  
Don't worry, I've got said Irvine.  
  
Squall scowled at the ship. Looks like they're headed for the moon, he said. What were they doing out here, anyway?  
  
Maybe they got lost, suggested Rinoa; were part of a convoy or something.  
  
Well, they won't last long enough to tell anyone about us, said Seifer, operating the controls for the _Ragnarok_'s cannon.  
  
Uh, don't we think Selphie's on that ship? asked Nida; then he frowned. Wait. That dialogue....  
  
That's not the moon, Squall said, scowling even deeper. That's a _space station_.  
  
Everyone else just stared at him.  
  
said Irvine. Pretty sure that's the moon.  
  
Squall huffed. _Somebody_ had to say it.  
  
There was a jolt. said Irvine. Looks like we just got caught in a tractor beam. Indeed, flashing on all of the display panels was a large warning reading, **YOUR VESSEL HAS BEEN CAUGHT IN A TRACTOR BEAM. [LOLPWN3D-90210]**  
  
said Seifer. I _never_ get to fire the giant cannon.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
You're fired, said Xu. Garden has standards, and your conduct has been completely inappropriate.  
  
But — began the cafeteria lady.  
  
No Xu snapped. I don't care _how_ badly Zell wanted those hot dogs; here at Garden, we cook our meat before serving it, you understand?  
  
Yes, ma'am. The cafeteria lady hung her head in shame.  
  
I expect you to be gone by the end of the week, said Xu.   
  
The cafeteria lady nodded and left in silence.  
  
I see this Garden still has some problems with discipline, said Colonel Torzen, who had been lurking in the shadows.  
  
Xu frowned at him. Do you really have to lurk back there?  
  
Torzen shrugged. It's my idiom. Besides, there aren't any chairs in here.  
  
Xu glanced around the Headmaster's office. ...That's true. But that still doesn't explain why you went out of your way to stand in the _one_ shadowy spot in the room.  
  
As I said, began Torzen.  
  
Xu nodded. Yes, I know. Your idiom. But still, I think draping all that cloth in front of the windows to block out the light seems a bit excess—  
  
It's my _idiom_, said Torzen harshly as he began taking down the drapes. I don't make fun of your idioms, and I'll kindly thank you to grant the same courtesy to mine.  
  
I have idioms? asked Xu.  
  
Of course you do! For instance, the way you always...wear that silly uniform with the coat that's obviously too large for you...and that _tie_! You expect to be taken seriously in a uniform such as that?  
  
Xu just looked at him.  
  
Torzen switched gears. I see that the previous administrators of this Garden left much to be desired in the realm of discipline. Discipline is not only necessary for the students, as you may know; the staff should also uphold the highest standards of this institution; and must be punished if they don't.  
  
I just fired her, said Xu. Was that not punishing enough?  
  
We'll discuss this at a later time. Torzen tucked the now-folded drapes under his arm, and left.  
  
Then the intercom chimed. _Attention. The vessel with President Laguna on it has just returned to Balamb airspace, and is requesting permission to land at Garden. Again._  
  
Xu sighed.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
What's wrong? asked Seifer.  
  
Quistis sighed again. Nobody likes me, she said. I'm just a worthless failure and nobody likes me. As soon as Rinoa comes back, Squall barely gives me the time of day, and I wasn't even invited to this year's TrepieCon. She sighed for a third time. I always find some excuse not to go, but usually they at least ask.  
  
Feeling abandoned? Seifer asked. Like nobody likes you?  
  
Quistis frowned. Well, that _is_ what I just —  
  
Feeling like your whole life doesn't matter worth anything because you'll be an outcast forever and your dreams fell apart and even if they hadn't, you'd be infamous instead of admired?  
  
Quistis frowned deeper. No, not really...oh, we're talking about you now.  
  
Yeah, I know how that feels, said Seifer. I live it every day of my life, and _thanks for caring_. He turned away from her.  
  
Quistis sighed for a fourth time. Oh, Seifer, she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. I _do_ care. You might not believe that, but you're my student, and how you feel matters to me.  
  
Seifer reached up and took her hand in his own. Then he turned around and gazed into her eyes. Quistis, sensitive to the moment, removed her glasses to make things easier for him.  
  
You know when you said that nobody likes you? he asked rhetorically. You got that part wrong. And he leaned forward, causing Quistis' heart to skip a beat as —  
  
Hey, guys! — Zell appeared in the doorway to the compartment they were standing in. Both Seifer and Quistis jumped backwards, putting 2.3 meters' distance between them in the space of one second. We've almost reached our destination; looks like the tractor beam's taking us someplace on the **[Dark Side of the Moon]**! He frowned. Hey, what were you guys doing in here?  
  
Quistis thought on her feet. I was...instructing Seifer on...dance moves, because he's...going to be taking the dancing proficiency test as part of his new studies at Garden!  
  
agreed Seifer. That's what we were doing!  
  
Oh, you're gonna take the dance test? asked Zell. Man, I remember doin' that. They got all mad when I tried to do this break-dancing routine I picked up at Balamb RapFest 82 — that was a really cool music festival, you know; usually the good bands only play in Dollet, but that year...  
  
Quistis and Seifer sighed.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
What's wrong? asked Rinoa.  
  
Well, gee, said Irvine before Squall could respond. We've been caught in a tractor beam and towed to some base on the far side of the moon where we're about to be boarded by alien shock troops. He pointed to the display panel reading, **YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE BOARDED BY ALIEN SHOCK TROOPS. [W3RD-J0]** ...Except they can't really be aliens, because...  
  
Okay, that gag is really getting old now, said Nida.  
  
Just then, the airlock, which they all happened to be standing next to, opened with an ominous hiss, and a trio of individuals entered, their features obscured by the smoke that also was rolling in.  
  
_You are humans,_ one said, in a high-pitched voice. It should also be noted that these individuals stood only about waist-high.  
  
said Squall. Uh, I mean...I'm Squall Leonhart, a SeeD from Balamb Garden.  
  
_Your identity is irrelevant,_ said one of the individuals who had not spoken before. About now, the smoke cleared; and the individuals were revealed to be small blue aliens wearing bubble helmets over their heads and holding energy pistols of some sort.  
  
_Surrender or die, please!_ said the one in front, whose slightly different-colored clothes indicated he/she/it was the leader.  
  
said Irvine. They're aliens. Who would have known?  
  
Rinoa fainted.  
  
  
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	7. Apprehension

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_What are they?_ asked one of the small blue aliens, staring at the SeeDs with his small blue alien eyes (which were in fact black, although they were quite small).  
  
_They are humans,_ replied the small blue alien leader. _I established that in the previous chapter._  
  
__ replied the first alien. _Do we vaporize them now?_  
  
Now, this is just bizarre, Quistis observed.  
  
Irvine said, stepping forward with hands raised in a non-threatening manner. We come in peace?  
  
_Have they surrendered yet?_ asked a second alien. _Is coming in peace like a surrender?_  
  
What's going on here? demanded Squall. Are you the ones who took Selphie?  
  
_I don't think they surrendered,_ said the first alien.  
  
The leader alien nodded. _Prepare to die now, please!_ The three aliens pointed their ray-guns at the SeeDs.  
  
Quistis exclaimed; then she stalled as she tried to come up with a reason for why the aliens should wait. The aliens waited.  
  
Just then, a Propogator came trundling out of the smoky mist that was still hanging around behind the aliens. _Cease and desist!_ it said, in a low, rumbling voice. The aliens ceased and desisted.  
  
Oh, good, said Seifer. Now we're definitely in for some happy fun time.  
  
Shut up, Seifer, retorted Squall.  
  
_I have a warrant for the arrest of all persons on this vessel,_ continued the Propogator, _in violation of Pan-Galactic Trade Law #2. They are to be apprehended by Pan-Galactic Security and held for pan-galactic trial.  
  
Does that mean we can't vaporize them?_ asked one of the aliens.  
  
_Not at the moment, no,_ replied the Propogator.  
  
said Quistis. I honestly don't know if this is good or bad.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
Oh man, that's bad, said Laguna, scratching the back of his head. Selphie got abducted by aliens, then Squall went after them on the _Ragnarok_, and then the _Ragnarok_ disappeared behind the **[Dark Side of the Moon]** and you haven't heard from them since?  
  
Xu frowned at him. ...Yes. I did just say all that to you a few seconds ago. Almost word for word.  
  
I know! replied Laguna. I was just checking! Hey, you need a hand? I could take the _Apocalypse_ after them and...you know, look for them!  
  
You can't! The tinfoil hat man who Laguna had never met before charged into the room, if could be used in reference to the purposeful walk of one using both hands to steady his hat — which had if anything become even larger since his appearance in Chapter 3. The SeeDs' mission is vital to the survival of the human race! They must use stealth and guile to outsmart their aliens and interdict their alien menace!  
  
Isn't the aliens' alien menace' kind of redundant? asked Kiros. It seems kind of redundant. ...Come to think of it, so does saying it seems kind of redundant' immediately after asking if something is redundant.  
  
Everyone stared at him.  
  
Kiros, if that was you trying to be Nida, you're pretty bad at it, Xu observed.  
  
Kiros agreed. I usually stop after the first sentence.  
  
Laguna said. Let's go help Squall!  
  
Laguna, we have to be back in Esthar to preside over the opening of Parliament, Kiros reminded.  
  
And the SeeDs' mission depends on stealth and guile! insisted the tinfoil hat man.  
  
Aw, whatever! Laguna dismissed. Parliament can open itself; what do they need me for? He was especially dismissive of the tinfoil hat man, as evidenced by the way he ignored him completely.  
  
You're the president, Laguna, Kiros reminded. It's what you do. You preside over things.  
  
Well, why's the Parliament need to get opened anyway? questioned Laguna. I mean, what do they even do, besides sit around and talk a lot?  
  
Make laws? Kiros suggested.  
  
Aw, whatever! Laguna dismissed. C'mon, guys, let's go help Squall!  
  
The tinfoil hat man leaped towards the entrance – ignoring the fact that he had been standing between all the room's occupants and the entrance anyway – and removed what looked like a flashlight with a radio antenna attached to it with duct tape. Nobody's going anywhere, or I protonize you all! I don't want to, but it's for the good of humanity! You'll understand someday, when the alien threat has been discovered and my sponsorship of this mission leads to the interdiction of their menace! You'll _all_ see! No one will —  
  
General Torzen had walked up behind him at some point during his tirade. What's all this about? he asked.  
  
The tinfoil hat man spun around so fast that his hat flew clean off his head. he exclaimed, madly thrashing about until he once again had the hat between him and the aliens' alien menace. He then crawled into a corner, where he cowered while whimpering quite a bit.  
  
Torzen knelt down and picked up the man's makeshift protonizer. I see you don't force your visitors to turn over any deadly weapons? he observed.  
  
I'm not entirely sure that counts as a deadly weapon, said Xu. Anyway, are we going to have another discussion about what I'm doing wrong here _already_? I mean, we did it just last chapter, so don't you think we're laying it on a little strong?  
  
Doesn't that guy look kind of familiar? asked Laguna of Kiros.  
  
I think that the manner in which this Garden is administered could use some serious evaluation, said Torzen, as he took out the drapes he carried with them and began hanging them over the window. I have been here for seven hours, eleven minutes, and... he checked his watch. ...thirty-nine seconds, and already I have observed a multitude of incidents indicative of lax Garden policy. Clearly you have gone far too long without the guidance of a Garden Master, so it is very fortunate I'm here.  
  
I really think I recognize this guy, said Laguna. I mean, there can't be too many one-armed guys on the planet who look familiar to me, right?  
  
Torzen frowned at Laguna and Kiros. Wait, who are these people? Why do they have access here? He didn't pursue the issue, however. But as I was saying regarding the woeful lack of discipline in this Garden...  
  
Xu threw up her hands. That's it. This scene has gone on _way_ too long.  
  
  
**C:\nomad\fanfic\1388651 more_**  
  
  
Come on! exclaimed Zell. Let's blow this scene and get out of here!  
  
Nida groaned. I'm not sure if that qualifies as a pun or just a play on words, but that transition just _hurt_.  
  
said Squall. He was kneeling down by Rinoa, examining her for signs that she was alive, or might be regaining consciousness soon.  
  
A moment later, Rinoa sat bolt upright, screaming.  
  
Rinoa, what's wrong? asked Quistis, kneeling down beside her. Irvine and Zell also came over.  
  
Rinoa looked at Quistis, and reflexively scooted away. This forced her to collide with Squall, who lost his balance and fell into Zell, who grabbed Irvine for support but found none as Irvine toppled over and landed on Quistis.  
  
It took a few moments for the five of them to become untangled and regain their feet. said Irvine. No one ever tell anyone that happened, okay?  
  
Oh, you can bet your Hynies _I'm_ telling, Seifer said from nearby.  
  
asked Nida. We're rapidly approaching a new low here.  
  
Then the elevator they were standing in reached the end of its rapid descent. Ushered out by grunts from the Propogators who were there to guard them, they walked out into a hallway.  
  
The hallway was full of monsters. This was the first major revelation that struck the SeeDs upon walking out into said hall. The second major revelation also concerned the monsters. The monsters were, they realized, not behaving at all in the way that monsters could normally be expected to. Specifically, they were gathered around resteraunt stands and discussing issues of the day in a civilized and intellectual manner. (The resteraunt stands were also run by monsters.)  
  
Man, what the _heck_? demanded Zell. This is freaky! It's like that painting with the cat playing solitaire, or something! What's up with this?  
  
_Silence, humans!_ growled one of the Propogators, whose slightly different-colored skin indicated that he/she/it was the leader. _Monsters have had a thriving civilization on the moon for centuries, which you do not deserve to be told about! It is based on a federal democratic arrangement with a social tradition emphasizing the doctrine of **GRAG-NAR-BLARGH**!_  
  
No one asked if was the actual name of the doctrine or just some random outburst the Propogator had made. Though everyone wondered.  
  
As they walked through the hall, the various monsters began to stop their other business and take an interest in them. Oh, my, declared one Fastidicalon, absently adjusting its monocle with its fin. I do declare that those are _humans_ making their way down the walkalong!  
  
By the dickens, you're right! exclaimed a nearby Ellnoyle. What I wonder could possibly have gotten into the Propogators' heads to bring them here in such a fashion?  
  
Y'all think they're maybe..._the_ humans? asked an Imp who was also nearby.  
  
Oh, wouldn't _that_ be a dandy thing! excclaimed the Fastidicalon. I'm off to the observation level and see about it right away! Ta ta!  
  
All of the humans had witnessed this exchange.  
  
...I'm not sure what to comment on first here, said Quistis.  
  
said Zell, you guys don't think maybe we're _the_' humans they were talking about, do you?  
  
drawled Nida. What are the odds of a coincidence like that?  
  
Yeah, I guess you're right, said Zell. ...Wait, were you just bein sarcastic there or something?  
  
Nida sighed. Yes. Yes, I was.  
  
  
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	8. Pan Galactic Woes

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"Hey, something's not right here, ya know?" said Raijin.  
  
"AFFIRMATIVE," said Fujin. She and Fujin were standing in the _Ragnarok_'s main hold, where no one else was. "_RAGNAROK_, EMPTY."  
  
"I think they all just forgot about us or something, ya know?" said Raijin. "Yo, I _knew_ we shouldn't'a waited in the Air Room! Everyone _always_ forgets about that place, ya know?"  
  
"HINDSIGHT," said Fujin. "ALWAYS 20/20."  
  
"Yeah, I guess you're right," said Raijin. "Still, what're we gonna do now, ya know? Sit around here and wait for 'em to come back? Or do we go out 'n look for them, ya know?" A thought occurred to him. "Hey, you think maybe we're landed somewhere? I mean, it'd be kinda weird if everyone disappeared 'n we were out in outer space, ya know?"  
  
"MOON," Fujin guessed. "ALIEN HOLDING BAY." By explanation, she pointed to a monitor reading, **YOUR VESSEL IS ON THE MOON, IN AN ALIEN HOLDING BAY. [LOLLERSKATES-12345]**  
  
"Oh, man, the crew's been captured by aliens?" asked Raijin. "Hey, that's bad news, ya know?"  
  
Fujin frowned. "SAY THAT, I DIDN'T."  
  
Raijin frowned back. "Say you didn't what, Fuj?"  
  
Fujin shook her head. "MISINTERPRETED. MEANT...NOT SAY...DIDN'T...." Frustrated, she rolled her eye. "I never said they were captured by aliens, all right?"  
  
"Well, yeah," said Raijin. "I read it over there, ya know." He pointed to another monitor reading, **THIS VESSEL'S CREW HAS BEEN CAPTURED BY ALIENS. [SNOOD-47]**  
  
Fujin blinked. "OH. ...SHOULD RESCUE."  
  
"Hey, good idea, ya know!" Raijin exclaimed. "Let's rescue them, ya know!" Probably as his intended beginning of the rescue he had just proposed, he charged through the door to the _Ragnarok_'s exit bay.  
  
When he found himself standing on the bridge instead, he was more than a little confused.  
  
"...ODD," commented Fujin, who had followed him.  
  
"Man, that door shouldn't lead here, ya know?" said Raijin, although nobody present was unaware of this. "You get to the bridge with the lift, ya know?" He frowned. "...Yo, where's the lift?"  
  
The lift that should be at the rear of the bridge was strangely not present; instead, the bridge seemed to possess a door in its rear wall that should _not_ be there. This being the door that Fujin and Raijin had just entered through, they found this second fact less surprising than the first.  
  
"This is kinda freaky, ya know?" said Raijin. "What's goin' on here?"  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**  
  
"What's going on here?" Squall demanded. He, along with Quistis, Rinoa, Seifer, Zell, Irvine, Nida, and a few other less important people were standing on a circular metal platform hovering in the air, which happened to be just large enough to seat them all. Surrounding them were several hundred monsters and small blue aliens in stadium seating; and a pair of large Propagators were facing them on a larger circular metal platform hovering in the air.  
  
**_"The accused may not ask questions,"_** declared one of the two Propagators facing them. These were distinguishable from normal Propagators in that they were about twice as large, and their skin was white with black zebra stripes. Also, their voices sounded more like a subwoofer than actual voices.  
  
"Man, that guy's voice sounds like a subwoofer," said Zell.  
  
**_"You stand accused of crimes against the Pan-Galactic Law Authority in the Moon district,"_** said the other Propagator.  
  
**_"How do you plead to these charges?"_** asked the first.  
  
"What the hell?" asked Squall. "I don't even know what the charges are!"  
  
**_"Your plea of ignorance has been noted,"_** declared the second Propagator. **_"The trial will now begin."_**  
  
"Way to answer their question with ignorance, Mr. Leader," said Seifer.  
  
"Shut up, Seifer," said Squall.  
  
"_You_ shut up, Squall," Quistis snapped. "Why are you always so hard on Seifer, anyway?"  
  
"Stay out of this, Instructor," Seifer growled. "I can take care of myself."  
  
**_"The accused may not talk amongst themselves,"_** declared the first Propagator.  
  
**_"Since you do not have appropriate Pan-Galactic legal counsel, one has been provided for you by the Pan-Galactic Court,"_** said the second. **_"Is the Pan-Galactic counsel ready to begin?"_**  
  
A Geezard slithered up onto the platform, making it somewhat crowded. _"I am ready,"_ it declared.  
  
"What the hell?" asked Irvine. "Our lawyer's a Geezard?"  
  
"_This_ is the part you think is strange?" asked Nida.  
  
**_"The accused may not ask questions or talk amongst themselves!"_** growled the first Propogator.  
  
**_"Since legal counsel is prepared,"_** said the second, **_"the Pan-Galactic legal trial may begin."_**  
  
**_"The accuser may call the first witness,"_** said the first.  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**  
  
"Please state your name for the record," said Xu, looking slightly less bored than she felt.  
  
"Laguna Loire," said Laguna, looking exactly as exasperated as he felt.  
  
"Occupation?" Xu asked.  
  
"President of Esthar. Is this really necessary?"  
  
Xu shook her head. "Absolutely not—"  
  
"Yes, it certainly is," said Colonel Torzen, who was watching the proceeding with his single hand on his hip. "This shows a clear sign that Garden will not tolerate lawlessness and disobedience." He turned to the array of students who were gathered to watch the tribunal. "The lessons you learn here today, you should keep with you throughout your lives. The law must be obeyed!"  
  
"He _admits_ what he did," said Xu.  
  
"And I'd do it again in an instant if it meant protecting this world from the alien menace!" declared the tinfoil hat man from the defendant's cage. The cage had been built at Torzen's instruction.  
  
"Continue with your questioning, please," said Torzen.  
  
Xu sighed. "Mr. President, did the man in the defendant's cage threaten to..." she sighed. "...protonize you if you attempted to leave the Headmaster's office?"  
  
"I object!" declared the tinfoil hat man's lawyer, who bore a distinct familial resemblance to the tinfoil hat man himself. "That's a leading question! I declare this trial nothing but a farce designed to discredit and humiliate my client!"  
  
"Well, I completely agree about the farce part," said Xu.  
  
Cid, who looked about as tired as it was possible for a person to do, sighed. "Rephrase the question, please," he said.  
  
Xu sighed as well. "Cid, couldn't you have put a stop to this?"  
  
"Colonel Torzen is the Garden Master," said Cid. "This is in his jurisdiction."  
  
"How?" asked Xu. "This man isn't a student; we don't even have legal jurisdiction over him."  
  
Cid shrugged. "Well, he wanted complete authority over discipline as part of his contract, and spineless as I am, I—"  
  
"I object!" declared the tinfoil hat man's lawyer. "The judge and the prosecutor are being too friendly! I declare this trial to be biased!"  
  
"Your client admitted his guilt," Xu pointed out.  
  
"I want that stricken from the record!" demanded the lawyer, pointing to the audience instead of Cid or the stenographer.  
  
"Xu, just rephrase the question," said Cid.  
  
Xu groaned. "I don't even _remember_ the question," she said.  
  
The stenographer scanned up through the record. "'Mr. President, did the man in the defendant's cage threaten to—' sigh '—protonize you if you attempted to leave the Headmaster's office?'"  
  
"Move to strike! Move to strike!" the tinfoil hat man's lawyer was practically jumping up and down by now.  
  
Xu groaned again. "Mr. President. Could you describe the situation that immediately led up to the defendant's apprehension?"  
  
"Objection!" cried the tinfoil hat man's lawyer. "'Apprehension' implies suspicion that my client committed an offense. I move to strike because it unfairly biases the jury!"  
  
"He's on trial!" Xu exclaimed. "Of course he's suspected of an offense! He _admitted_ the offense!"  
  
"Okay, that's it," said Cid, banging his gavel down on his desk. Since the desk was plastic, the results were not satisfying. "I'm declaring this trial in recess, at least until Squall comes back and becomes headmaster. Have a good day, everyone."  
  
"Headmaster, I protest," said Colonel Torzen. "What about the children, sir? What sort of message does this send to them?"  
  
Cid frowned. "You might be right, Colonel." Turning to the students, he cleared his throat. "All of you must understand that discipline is very important. Without discipline, there would certainly be more people breaking the rules. As students in Garden, I trust you understand the importance of self-control. But—"  
  
"Headmaster," said one of the new Faculty members, who had been hired recently. "You should stop talking for some reason."  
  
"Yes, of course," said Cid, and he walked away.  
  
Colonel Torzen looked after him and scowled. "Won't _somebody_ think of the children?" he muttered.  
  
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	9. Mysteriousness

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**_"Due to their plea of ignorance, the accused may now be informed of the charge against them,"_** said one of the zebra-striped Propagators.  
  
The grey Propagator who had been performing prosecutorial duties so far nodded. _"I will oblige the court with an example,"_ it said. _"Commander Squall, when you and the human Sorceress Rinoa boarded the vessel you call the _Ragnarok_, hereafter referred to as Exhibit Y, did you encounter approximately eight Propagators aboard it?"_  
  
Squall frowned as he tried to remember how many Propagators there had been. "...Maybe."  
  
**_"The accused may not prevaricate!"_** snapped the other of the zebra-striped Propagators.  
  
"May not _what_?" Squall asked.  
  
**_"The accused may not ask questions!"_** snapped the Propagator.  
  
"Prevaricate," Quistis repeated. "It means to evade or distort an issue to —"  
  
"I knew that," Squall snapped.  
  
**_"The accused may not talk amongst themselves!"_** snapped the Propagator.  
  
_"Commander Squall, when you encountered the aforementioned Propagators aboard the aforementioned vessel you call the _Ragnarok_, which we are now theoretically referring to as Exhibit Y, did you fight and kill them?"_  
  
"I think I see where this is going," said Quistis.  
  
Squall apparently didn't. "Yes, we killed them," he said. "A lot."  
  
_"Ah-**ha**!"_ said the Propagator prosecutor. _"Pan-Galactic Trade Law #2 dictates that those Propagators gained full salvage rights to that vessel by boarding it in numbers greater than two and killing the puny human occupants a maximum of one time. Since you failed to properly observe this law when **you** boarded the vessel, you are guilty by definition! I rest my case."_  
  
"But that's stupid!" Squall insisted. "...They were trying to kill _us_!"  
  
"Yeah!" Rinoa chimed in. "Plus, they were big! And _ugly_!"  
  
An angry murmur came from the spectators.  
  
"That maybe wasn't the best thing you could have said right there," said Seifer.  
  
**_"The accused may not insult the Pan-Galactic Propagator Authority!"_** declared the zebra-striped Propagator. **_"...Or talk amongst themselves!"_**  
  
**_"The accused may now be cross-examined,"_** said its zebra-striped companion.  
  
Now the Geezard ambled up to face Squall. _"Mr. Squall,"_ it said; then it trailed off, seeming transfixed by Squall's waist. _"...Why is your belt so shiny?"_  
  
Squall blinked. "What?"  
  
_"You've got those pretty shineys on your belt, and they're so...**shiny**,"_ elaborated the Geezard.  
  
"I'm starting to get the impression we don't have the best legal counsel in the universe," Irvine muttered.  
  
_"I wonder what they tastes like?"_ The Geezard began to advance on Squall, teeth and claws snapping expectantly.  
  
"H...hey," Squall said, trying to back up but being blocked by all the people standing right behind him. "You can't eat my belt. Those are important parts and tools for my gunblade I keep on it!"  
  
Seifer let out a cough that suspiciously sounded like, "Yeah, _right_." Squall glared at him.  
  
"Also, we're totally screwed," added Irvine.  
  
The Geezard froze, staring at Irvine with unnaturally wide eyes. _"Did you say...Screws?"_  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**  
  
"SCREWDRIVER," said Fujin, tossing the implement down to Raijin who was on the lower level of the cargo hold.  
  
"Hey, all right, ya know!" Raijin replied. He then went about removing one of the floor panels.  
  
The two of them had been trying to find their way out of the _Ragnarok_ for a good thirty-six minutes, and a somewhat mediocre nineteen seconds, to no avail. Retracing their steps from the bridge had led them back to the Air Room, which apparently now connected to the cargo hold. The cargo hold led into the observation deck, which then led to the loading hatch, but the hatch apparently led back to the cargo hold. Raijin had run off into one of the side compartments at this point, and the two had been unable to rejoin each other since. The _Ragnarok_ appeared to be changing its layout all around them; once, Fujin had tried to descend the stairs from the catwalk in the cargo bay, and ended up on the bridge somehow. The best they had managed to do was to shout at each other from different levels of the cargo bay, and then toss a screwdriver between them. Their new plan was to disassemble the _Ragnarok_ piece by piece and get out that way; Fujin had some reservations about the idea, but was beginning to dislike the spaceship with some intensity.  
  
"Man, this is the wrong size, ya know!" said Raijin. "I'm gonna need a .8 millimeter to handle this, ya know!"  
  
"ADJUST," Fujin suggested. "DIFFERENT-SIZED HEADS, IN HANDLE."  
  
Raijin examined the screwdriver handle and found the different-sized screwdriver heads. "Hey, you're right, ya know! That's really cool, ya know!" He went back to trying to unscrew the floor panel. "Hey, what d'you think's goin' on here, ya know?" he asked. "It's like the whole layout of the ship don't make no sense no more, ya know?"  
  
"UNUSUAL," Fujin agreed. "PHYSICS, VIOLATED."  
  
"Yeah, and that's not supposed to happen, ya know?" Raijin said. "Hey, ya know what I think, ya know? I think there's maybe some kinda magic, ya know? I mean, that's usually how ya violate physics, ya know?"  
  
"POSSIBILITY," Fujin agreed.  
  
Further discussion was cut off when a blue Propagator ambled into the room. It came through the door to the catwalk where Fujin was standing, even though the door shouldn't have been big enough for the Propagator to fit through (the door had apparently grown in the past three minutes). And, after making a noise that distinctly sounded like _"Yikes!"_, it charged at her.  
  
Fujin was, however, prepared. "ELLONE, WHERE?" she demanded, then hurled her shuriken at the Propagator, catching it directly under the jaw. Since she had used a GameShark to give herself 100 Apocalypses junctioned to Strength, she killed it in one hit.  
  
"Hang on, Fuj!" Raijin called, even though she had already defeated the Propagator. "I'm comin' to help!" Then he charged through the door to the secondary hold, for some reason. Before the door closed, there was a noise like Raijin yelping, and a noise that distinctly sounded like another Propagator saying _"Yikes!"_.  
  
Fujin sighed.  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**  
  
"Bad day?" asked the suave yet mysterious man as Xu was sipping her drink at the Dollet bar.  
  
Xu nodded, apparently not particularly concerned with his mysteriousness. "In several different senses of the word, yeah. I couldn't even catch a boat over here; I had to take the train to Timber, get onto another train that took me to the bluffs and then walk into town."  
  
"That's too bad," the man said, suavely yet mysteriously. "So...what brings you to this town, anyway?"  
  
"I wanted to get drunk," said Xu. "They don't have any bars in Balamb. Or restaurants, for that matter. A couple people will let you cook in their houses sometimes, if you ask nicely."  
  
"Doesn't sound like a very exciting place," said the man. Suavely.  
  
"It isn't," Xu agreed, not suavely. "But I'm from Garden, which has been a little too interesting lately. We're breaking in a new Garden Master, one of our SeeDs was abducted by aliens and the others are out looking for her, and our Headmaster is leaving."  
  
"_Really_," the man said, suddenly very interested. "Uh, I mean, sounds crazy. Lemme buy you another drink."  
  
Xu shrugged. "Sure. Something tells me I shouldn't trust you, but I'm feeling adventurous tonight. I wonder if that's 'cause I'm drunk?"  
  
"Hey, don't worry," said the man, with a suave yet mysterious smile. "You're not _nearly_ drunk enough yet for that. I'll get your drink."  
  
He went over to the bar. Xu, still feeling a little suspicious, found a familiar face in the crowd – indeed, another student at Garden – and waved at him. "That man over there is buying me a drink," she declared. "D'you think I should trust him?"  
  
The student, upon recognizing her, looked rather scared. "Oh, no, it's Xu!" he exclaimed. "Squad D, withdraw!"  
  
"Roger!" declared another student whom Xu hadn't seen; and the two of them ran out of the bar at full speed. Xu sighed. "Well, back to square one, she said to no one in particular. Frowning, she looked down at the end of her tie, holding it up to aid the process. "What do you think, Mr. Tie? Should I trust this man? After all, I _am_ already drunk enough to be talking to my tie." At this, she giggled until the man came back.  
  
"Something funny?" he asked, handing her a very large glass full of something alcoholic.  
  
"You know, this tie _is_ kind of silly," Xu replied, then gave him her full attention. "What do you want?"  
  
"I brought you a drink," the man said.  
  
"No," Xu said, pointing a chiding finger at him. "That does not indicate a desire. I am inquiring about your motive, in desiring...." She frowned, trying to remember what she had been talking about. "...uh, in the thing you were desiring. _Why_ did you bring me a drink, that's what I wanna know."  
  
"Well, I want you to drink it," drawled the man, suavely. "So drink up."  
  
"Okay," said Xu, drinking; though she started giggling soon after. "You know something funny? I have got _incredibly_ more drunk since the beginning of this scene, and I haven't taken a drink until now!"  
  
"Don't be silly," said the man. "You look completely sober."  
  
"Hmph," said Xu. "Well, we can't have _that_." And she took another long drink.  
  
"No, we sure can't." The man chuckled — a dangerously sinister and not-suave chuckle that Xu was too drunk to notice. "No, in_deed_."  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> cd  
  
C:/> **


	10. Gloom and Doom

**C:/> cd nomad/fanfic/1388651  
  
C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> chaptr10.rtf**  
  
**Error loading c:/nomad/fanfic/1388651>/chaptr10.rtf. File may be damaged or too deranged for public display.  
  
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R**  
  
After its humiliating defeat in the Sorceress Ultimecia Attacking From The Future War, Galbadia had wandered in the darkness, searching for a leader. Rather, Galbadia's _citizens_ wandered in the darkness, since Galbadia was a geopolitical institution and therefore incapable of independent movement. And the darkness was more metaphorical than literal, although nighttime in Deling City does seem to last a very long time.  
  
In any case, Galbadia needed a ruler. Having been handily beaten by Garden was a humiliating defeat, as suggested above. Having no real government other than President Deling had left the nation leaderless once Deling was killed, and many had rushed to fill the vacuum. Now, one of them had succeeded.  
  
"Are you here to see the president?" asked the receptionist, who doubled as an extremely muscular guard with a high-powered rifle standing by the door to the president's office.  
  
The messenger gulped, because he was nervous. "...Yes."  
  
"Wait here," the guard commanded, then he opened the door, stepped through and closed it again. Another, equally muscular guard stepped up to ensure that the attendant waited there.  
  
A moment later, the receptionist returned. "The president will not see you. What do you want?"  
  
"Um..." The messenger gulped again, because he was still nervous. "...I have a message."  
  
"Give it to me," said the guard. "The president does not accept messages personally. I will deliver it."  
  
The messenger gave up the message. "Um...so why did you have to check and see if the president was taking visitors if you could just—"  
  
The receptionist pointed the rifle at the messenger, and it made a high-tech charging-up noise. "Don't ask questions," he said. "Run away now."  
  
"Eek!" agreed the messenger, before going away.  
  
After the messenger was gone, the two guards stood around in silence for a while, as guards do.  
  
"...So," said one guard. "This is all pretty mysterious so far."  
  
"I don't think so," said the other. "Mostly just pointless. This scene doesn't really seem integral to the story."  
  
"Yeah," said the first guard. "I wonder what's up with that."  
  
The messenger, meanwhile, was still running through the halls of the Presidential Residence because the guard hadn't specified when he should stop. As it happened, his stop came when he crashed headlong into a shadowy figure who had been standing in the doorway. This figure had only one arm.  
  
"Yikes!" apologized the attendant, picking himself off the floor he had fallen onto shortly after crashing headlong into the one-armed shadowy figure. "Sorry!"  
  
"That's quite all right," said the figure. "You've fulfilled your role in this scene well. Guards!" A pair of shadowy guards stepped up. "Have this man killed. Or I should say, _disciplined_. To death."  
  
The messenger, providing the requisite amount of wailing, was dragged away.  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**  
  
"Man, this is such a drag," said Laguna, who was in his office surrounded by forms. "Do I _really_ have to sign all these forms right away?"  
  
"This is Esthar's national budget, Laguna," Kiros said. "If they're not delivered to Parliament by midnight, the government will shut down."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Laguna. "Y'know, sometimes I wonder if maybe the government _should_ shut down. I mean, what do they do besides making stupid forms all the time?"  
  
"Sir, I must protest your cavalier attitude towards the Government," said a short, mostly bald man who was Laguna's Minister of the Government. "Government provides numerous valuable services to the citizenry including but not limited to: 1) constructing and maintaining non-profitable infrastructure; 2) distributing social services; 3) providing for the national defense; and 4) as a largely incidental function, generating highly important documents and forms."  
  
"See, that's what I'm talking about!" said Laguna, ignoring the Government Minister's first 46 words. "Forms! I mean, if I wanted to sit around and sign forms all day, I could...uh, write some forms myself! And then sign them! While I was sitting!"  
  
"That was a pretty good example of a government official undermining his point by giving the listener an unfortunate word or phrase – commonly called a "sound bite" – that distracts from the overall point he was trying to make," Kiros said to Ward.  
  
Ward might have complained about Kiros' entirely pointless exposition, if he had the ability to speak. Instead he said, "............."  
  
"Man, I'm tired of this!" said Laguna. "Can we go save Squall now?"  
  
"Mr. President, it is entirely improper for an official of your stature to undertake any sort of dangerous operation due to your importance for the Nation of Esthar," said the government minister. "If you were to be harmed in any way, or particularly incapacitated by some sort of unknown energy beam that were to wipe out your memory and/or paralyze you from the waist down – especially if this were to happen before you had signed all the budget forms – then the question of succession could provoke a civil war!"  
  
"Did that scenario about the energy weapon seem oddly specific to you?" Kiros asked Ward.  
  
Ward might have given a coherent answer here, if he had the ability to speak. Or he might have nodded or shaken his head to indicate a yes or no response. Instead he said, "............"  
  
"I don't care!" said Laguna, probably responding to the government minister rather than Kiros (or Ward). "Look, I'm gonna help Squall! Now, are you guys coming with me?"  
  
Kiros shrugged. "I've got a really bad feeling about this, but sure."  
  
Ward might have said something similar here, if he had the ability to speak. Instead he said, "............"  
  
"Mr. President, you are absolutely inviting disaster with this poorly-conceived endeavor," said the government minister. "The Government Ministry will have no part of it."  
  
"...Okay," said Laguna. "So, what about you?"  
  
"I was using 'the Government Ministry' to refer to myself," said the government minister.  
  
"Ohh," said Laguna. "So kinda like trying to make yourself sound more important by acting like you're this whole agency instead of the guy in charge of it?"  
  
"My position of leadership affords me the power to speak for the Government Ministry!" insisted the government minister, whose voice was becoming notably more high-pitched as his agitation increased. "It is a perfectly normal term of phrase!"  
  
"You mean _turn_ of phrase," said Kiros.  
  
"Anyway!" said Laguna, jumping to his feet. He had been sitting before. "I'm gonna go get the _Apocalypse_ ready! You guys come quick!"  
  
"Mr. President—!" The government minister obviously wasn't done objecting, but Laguna was gone before he could continue. Therefore, he sighed and looked dejected.  
  
"What kind of a position is 'government minister,' anyway?" asked Kiros. "It seems really generic."  
  
"It's _highly important_!" The government minister's voice was becoming quite squeaky.  
  
Kiros frowned. "For that matter, what's your _name_?"  
  
With a very high-pitched _hmph!_, the government minister turned on his heel and left.  
  
"He seems a little high-strung," said Kiros. "What do you think?"  
  
Ward might have pointed out that he couldn't reply to this question, if he had the ability to speak. Or not, since if he had the ability to speak, he would be able to reply. Even as he was, he could have written out a note on paper. But he didn't do any of these things. Instead he said, "............"  
  
"Well said," Kiros agreed.  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**  
  
"What did you say?" Cid asked.  
  
Colonel Torzen was just finishing putting the drapes over the windows to Cid's bedroom. "I said, I regret to inform you of a tragic event that apparently happened last night along the Dollet coast." He pointed at the photographs Cid was holding, which showed a car with a person in it being raised out of the ocean. "That event there."  
  
"Yes, I remember," said Cid. "I was just expressing disbelief." He reached for his glasses, and put them on. He hadn't been wearing them because he was sitting in bed, and he was sitting in bed because it was well after midnight.  
  
"Hard as it is to believe, there the evidence is," said Colonel Torzen. "Obviously Instructor Xu went out for a night of drinking in Dollet, then attempted to drive back to Balamb—her drunkenness preventing her from realizing that there is an ocean between Dollet and Balamb."  
  
"That's so horrible," said Edea, who was also sitting in the bed.  
  
"Fortunately these photographs were taken to document the horror," said Torzen. "Er, that is, so that we know for sure that she is dead." He pointed to the dark-haired body in the car in the water in the photograph. "And that is her in the car, there. Note the SeeD uniform and the proper hair color."  
  
"Oh, my, look what it's done to her hair," said Edea. "It looks like some awful wig."  
  
"That's not a wig," said Torzen. "That's silly. Only a dummy would need a wig, since the hair of a real person could be dyed to match Xu's. And that's certainly not a dummy; the pictures are simply vague and unfocused because they were taken with a personal camera. By someone who just happened to be there for no particular reason and certainly was not party to any sort of sinister scheme."  
  
"This is so tragic," said Cid. "And with Squall gone, too. Who can I count on now to serve as headmaster so that I won't have to?"  
  
Torzen looked solemn. "Sir, I am ready to assume such duties if there is no alternative. Not that I have any desire to, or would ever wish for harm to befall anyone else so as to clear the way for me to do so."  
  
"That's very thoughtful," said Cid, looking at the pictures again. "This is dreadful. Poor Xu; already in these pictures she looks so amazingly thin. And oddly tall."  
  
"That was probably the stress of the crash rearranging her bones in some way," said Torzen. "Certainly not evidence that the body is not Xu's at all. I can't emphasize that enough."  
  
"No, apparently not," said Edea, in a rare and out-of-character moment of cynicism. "Please, can you just leave us alone for now?"  
  
"Of course," said Torzen, beginning to take down the drapes. "Simply leave everything to me."  
  
"You know, we _do_ have our own drapes in this room," said Cid.  
  
"It's my _idiom_," Torzen growled. "Don't _you_ start about it now."  
  
"No, I understand completely," said Cid. "But since it's nighttime at this point, regardless —"  
  
"**_Idiom_**." Torzen stalked out of the room in a suddenly bad mood.  
  
"...It's so awful about Xu," said Cid. "Especially how the car fell out of the lifting harness and sank to the bottom of a crack in the ocean, so that these pictures are the only evidence we have that she's dead."  
  
Edea nodded. "You certainly made a good choice with Colonel Torzen. He's very professional."  
  
Cid nodded. "I only wish Squall were here. That would make everything better somehow. But with things the way they are, I wonder if _anything_ can bring Squall back for us."  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**  
  
"Bring it on!" the monkey jeered. "You think you can skip a rock, huh? I bet you're as bad a skipper as you are a dresser! Loser! Jerk! Teacher's pet!"  
  
As Colonel Garden Master Acting Headmaster Torzen walked through the Garden's courtyard, he stumbled upon a confrontation already in progress between a brown-haired teenage girl in a student's uniform and a talking monkey. Mr. Monkey was throwing rocks at the girl.  
  
"What's going on here?" he demanded. "I demand this disruption stop immediately!"  
  
"Screw you!" retorted Mr. Monkey, who then threw a rock at him. Torzen would have ducked, but that would have damaged his rugged image. He tried to try to catch the rock with his hand – but this plan failed when the rock was knocked off course by a second rock, this one thrown by the girl. Both of them landed neatly on the side of the walkway.  
  
"Why, you little—" Mr. Monkey never got to finish the sentence; another perfectly aimed rock struck him on the head, knocking him out cold.  
  
Torzen blinked.  
  
"Sorry about that," the girl said, grinning sheepishly. "Hey, do you work here? 'Cause I'm new."  
  
Torzen was absolutely certain that this girl was going to be trouble.  
  
**C:/nomad/fanfic/1388651> cd /  
  
C:/> **


	11. Color Verdict

**C-/> cd nomad/fanfic/1388651**

**C/nomad/fanfic/1388651> chaptr11.rtf**

**Error loading c-/nomad/fanfic/1388651/chaptr11.rtf. File may be damaged or too deranged for public display.**

**(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R**

"Can we get a new lawyer here?" asked Irvine.

As he spoke, their current lawyer was gleefully devouring the muzzle of Irvine's shotgun while simultaneously trying to wrestle away Squall's utility belt and Quistis' chain whip. The crowd was watching solemnly as if this were all perfectly normal.

"**_The accused may not ask questions!"_** snapped one of the zebra-striped Propagator judges.

"But our lawyer's trying to eat our stuff!" Irvine protested.

"**_The accused may not protest!"_** snapped the Propagator.

"I've had it with this," said Squall, who had been trying furiously to wipe the Geezard drool off what was left of his belts. Now he drew his gunblade. "We're busting out of here."

"_Shiny!"_ exclaimed their lawyer, tackling Squall from the side and knocking him to the floor, also knocking the gunblade out of his hand. The gunblade's sharpened edge came down squarely on the Geezard's head, and seconds later their lawyer had vaporized away.

"**_The defense is presumed to have rested its case,"_** said one of the Propagator judges. **_"The jury shall now render a verdict: All those who believe the defendants to be innocent, say 'ZHAGBUG-RUB-NOTA-HAFU-BAJOP-GOKY.' All those who believe the defendants to be guilty, say something else."_**

The room erupted into a cacophany of voices saying things other than "**_ZHAGBUG-RUB-NOTA-GAFU-BAJOX-GOKY_**." This went on for quite some time, while the SeeDs and company watched in confusion.

"Uh, 'Zaag bug-rub not a happy box of pocky?'" tried Irvine.

"Yeah, brag-zug rhubarb not my oxen saki!" Zell chimed in.

"Man, are we screwed," Seifer said.

"**_By final count, the guilty vote is a lot higher than the innocent vote,"_** said a Propagator judge. **_"We shall now render the sentence."_**

"Screw that," said Seifer, drawing his gunblade. "No one renders me but nobody. Choose a party, Squall!"

Squall did. "I choose Seifer and...uh..." He frowned, as the Propagators and monsters waited patiently for him to decide. "Zell, is your GF equipped?"

Zell looked at the floor in shame. "...I kinda gave mine to Selphie before she got abducted," he admitted. "I guess she de-junctioned them for some reason, 'cause they're in the communal GF place now, plus all my magic's gone."

"Just pick someone!" snapped Seifer. "You can switch junctions later!"

"I know that!" Squall said defensively. "Fine, then. I choose Zell. Let's go!"

"You forgot to switch junctions," observed Nida.

"**_The accused are sentenced to death – by KILLING,"_** boomed the two Propagator judges in tandem. **_"GET THEM!"_**

The monsters let out a collective roar and, three by three, began jumping onto the platform – which was suddenly about 20 times larger than it had been – as Squall, Seifer and Zell prepared for battle.

Rinoa fainted.

Irvine turned to the others, producing a Triple Triad deck. "So, anyone for cards?"

**C-/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**

"HAH!" exclaimed Raijin. "I've got all the cards now, ya know?"

He was standing atop the very gruesomely pulverized form of a blue Propagator, with some of its entrails still dripping off his quarterstaff. And his person. The Propagator itself rested on a series of pipes that probably had something to do with the _Ragnarok_'s function, although at the moment they led directly into the ship's cargo door. Directly below them was the spaceship's cargo hold, the middle of which now contained the bridge. Fujin had another Propagator, this one orange, trapped on the bridge elevator.

All this prompted Raijin's next words, which were, "So, uh, how do I get down from here? Looks like a long drop, ya know?"

"SHIP'S LAYOUT, CONFUSING," Fujin declared. "CHANGING. ILLOGICAL."

"Yeah, I noticed that, ya know?" said Raijin. "I mean, one minute I was in that storage room on the first floor, and I go 2 doors to the right and suddenly I'm on the second floor! What's up with that?"

Fujin shook her head. "ALWAYS LIKE THAT."

Raijin blinked. "Yeah, but...and, I mean, now I'm standing on a bunch of pipes, and the bridge is in the middle of the cargo bay! What's up with that?"

"_And that's the way things will stay,"_ said the orange, non-pulverized Propagator, _"unless you start behaving in a civilized – by which I mean non-homicidal – manner!"_

"Hey, what are you talking about, ya know?" Raijin demanded. "You were tryin' to kill _me_, and I was defending myself, ya know!"

"_This vessel is legal Propagator salvage under the Pan-Galactic Trade Laws,"_ said the Propagator. _"But I wouldn't expect your limited human minds to understand such a complex and enlightened concept as Pan-Galacticness. You should, however, understand that if I don't survive, you will not leave this vessel alive."_

"Yo, pretty tough talk when I've got your buddy's guts being all squishy under my foot here, ya know?" Raijin asked. Or stated. It wasn't clear.

"_Do you pitiful humans' pitiful minds still not grasp your pitiful condition?"_ asked the Propagator. _"We have reconfigured all this vessel's exits to lead somewhere completely different — you cannot even cut through the hull without emerging back inside some storage closet! You are utter victims to the power of —"_ it paused for effect: _"our **color magic!**"_

"Huh?" Raijin asked. "Your _what_ magic, ya know?"

"LYING," Fujin said. "COLOR MAGIC, SILLY NAME."

"_It is you pitiful humans who are the ones with stupid names!"_ protested the Propagator. _"Because you are silly yourselves! And stupid! And **pitiful**!"_

"Aw," said Raijin, looking despondent. "When he says it like that, it kinda makes sense, ya know? Like he's speakin' to my soul, ya know?"

Fujin glared at him. "NO. ALSO, RAGE."

"_I'll show you the true power of the Pan-Galactic Propagator Authority!"_ declared he Propagator. Its body began to glow in a psychedelically shifting rainbow of colors._ "Prepare...to **suffer!**"_

Suddenly, Fujin and Raijin were facing off against both Propagators, with the formerly pulverized one not looking pulverized anymore. Realizing they were now in Battle Mode, both drew their weapons. Even though Raijin's had been drawn already.

"Hey!" Raijin protested. "I thought we were in totally different parts of the ship, ya —"

"_**Color magic!**"_ snapped the Propagator.

"Yeah, about that, ya know?" Raijin pressed. "I thought only Propagators with the same color could revive each other, ya know? How'd you revive that guy, ya know?"

"_Foolish humans!"_ said the second propagator. _"Do you think we perceive color in the way that you do? We don't even have eyes!"_

Raijin blinked. "Well, then what are those things that look like —"

"_Silence!"_ snapped the second Propagator. _"Our revival works on creatures with similar characteristics to ourselves! Obviously, that refers to the way we **taste**!"_

"Aw, man!" Raijin said. He would have cringed, if his Battle Mode sprite could support that function. "That's gross, ya know! Besides, how is _that_ obvious, ya know?"

"_Have you **seen** how big our mouths are?"_ asked the first Propagator.

"Well, yeah, I guess, ya know," Raijin said. "But didn't you just say it was your _color_ magic that —"

"_Silence!"_ snapped the second Propagator.

"AGREEMENT," said Fujin. "LESS TALKING, MORE KILLING."

"Yeah!" said Raijin. "Let's get it on, ya know!"

Then Raijin cast Triple on Fujin, who cast Apocalypse on the Propagators three times. By all rights, this should have killed the Propagators and probably vaporized the _Ragnarok_ as well, but it didn't.

Instead, they heard a mysterious voice.

"Hey, guys!" it said. "Need a hand?"

**C-/nomad/fanfic/1388651> more**

"This is getting out of hand," Quistis observed.

As she watched, Zell had been KO'd for the third time in the fight, and a Confused Seifer had just stabbed himself in the arm with his gunblade. And Irvine had just got his third Plus-Combo in a row.

"Wha...?" Rinoa was coming to. Quistis looked at her, feeling conflicted. Ever since she had come back, everything had been crazy. But she knew it wasn't Rinoa's fault, not really. Even the parts that seemed like they _were_ Rinoa's fault actually just the tips of massive icebergs of murkiness and intrigue. Mostly. Quistis couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

"...You don't understand, Squall," muttered the still-dazed Rinoa. "The real reason I left was...because Qui—"

"Shut up!" Quistis lashed out and smacked Rinoa hard on the head, knocking her out again. Then she looked sheepishly at Irvine. "...She was obviously delirious. It's better that she sleep it off. I read that somewhere."

"If you say so," said Irvine.

Zell, who had been revived at some point during the last few paragraphs, was KO'd again. Squall got himself cut in half by a Grendel, but mostly shook it off and killed the Grendel by hacking it with his gunblade. Then he was stung by a Bite Bug and KO'd. The audience had begun chanting "**_GRAG-NAR-BLARGH!_**" and while Quistis still didn't know what that meant, she guessed from the context that it was bad.

"In retrospect," Irvine said, "we probably should have saved when we were back on the _Ragnarok_."

"It still would've been a pain to reload," said Quistis. "This trial's gone on for a really long time."

But really, she was distracted by watching the fight. Watching Seifer. As she watched him, she realized her heart was pounding. Watching him in danger made her realize feelings she hadn't known she had, and have feelings she hadn't realized she'd known. It was a veritable whirlwind of poetically vague language and emotion that she wished she would have the chance to share with him, one day. One day soon.

This would be harder to do if the Oilboyle that was currently sucking Seifer's brains out had its way. "Oh, no!" she exclaimed. "Be careful, Seifer!"

"Hey, what's with you all of a sudden?" asked Irvine. "Is there something going on between you and Sei—"

"Shut up!" Quistis lashed out and smacked Irvine hard on the head, knocking him out. Then she looked sheepishly at Nida. "He was obviously getting delirious. Rinoa probably had some kind of craziness disease, and it was becoming contagious."

"Okay," said Nida. "...Please don't hurt me."

"YO!" said a voice coming from the entrance. Quistis spun around to see Fujin and Raijin standing there. "What's goin' on here, ya know? You guys have a battle without us, ya know?"

"RESCUE," said Fujin.

"Took you guys long enough!" said Seifer, whom the Oilboyle now had in a headlock.

"Yeah, and that's not all we brought, ya know!" said Raijin.

There was a loud crashing noise, as the high dome ceiling collapsed and a royal blue spaceship that looked exactly like the _Ragnarok_ came crashing through it. All the monsters ran away – probably more to avoid all the falling debris than to evacuate the room before all the air rushed out into space, since everyone knows monsters live on the moon and don't need to breathe anyway.

"Hey, guys!" The airship's cargo door opened to reveal a brown-haired teenage girl in a student's uniform, standing on the ramp even as it extended from the still-hovering airship, with her hands on her hips in a pose suggesting spunky heroism. "Need a ride?"

Quistis had a feeling that this girl was going to be trouble.

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	12. Mari Su Baka

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**C/nomad/fanfic/1388651 chaptr12.rtf**

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**(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R**

"Okay, here's what we've gotta do!" explained the newcomer, as the spaceship she was standing on the ramp of bobbed in the air amidst the regrouping monsters. "Squall! You create a perimeter with Zell! Irvine, protect Rinoa! Quistis, you and Seifer cut to the right and catch the monsters' flank; then we'll divide them to make a run for the exit!" She was using both arms to point dramatically towards each of the people she named as well as the places she wanted them to go. "I know the odds are tough, but if we stick together, we can _do_ this!" She pumped her fist dramatically to go along with the "do."

Everyone just stared at her for a moment. "...Who are you?" Quistis finally asked, narrowing her eyes at the girl.

"Oh, yeah!" she said. She'd forgotten to introduce herself, assuming everyone would know her just like she knew them — how silly was _that_? "I'm Kelleigh Marisubaka!" (Her first name is pronounced 'Ka-LAY'. It's important that you know that.) "My full name's Kelleigh Anne Marisubaka-Schoenmeyer, but my friends just call me Kelleigh! ...Most of my enemies call me Miss Schoenmeyer." (Her last last name is pronounced SHOWN-my-ur. It's not at all important that you know that.)

"How do we know we can trust you?" asked Quistis.

"Hey, are you kidding?" asked Irvine; he and Rinoa were conscious again for some reason. "No way anyone so beautiful could be dangerous."

"Thanks, Irvine," said Kelleigh. "But you're not really my type." Then she waved at Seifer. "Hey, Seifer!"

Seifer swooned. Quistis glared.

"Guys, about the horde of monsters trying to kill us?" asked Nida, who was trying to holding off an attacking Anaconduar.

"That's right!" said Kelleigh, posing again. "Everyone, _execute plan_!"

"Wait a minute," said Quistis. "Why are we trying to get to the exit, anyway? If we want to escape, can't we just get on that ship and—"

"No, we've gotta save Selphie first!" replied Kelleigh.

Everyone looked at each other in confusion. "—oh, yeah!" Zell exclaimed after a second. "We're trying to save Selphie, who was abducted by aliens in Chapter 3! I just forgot that's why we came to the moon, 'cause nobody's mentioned her since Chapter 7, and we weren't in that scene!"

"In the last chapter, _you_ mentioned her," Nida said.

Zell looked at him confusedly. "Huh?"

"Also, _monsters_," Nida added. The Anaconduar had managed to coil itself around his legs.

"More to the point," Quistis broke in, "how do you know where Selphie is?"

"Oh, well it was just a simple matter of deduction, really," said Kelleigh. "I mean, the aliens who abducted Selphie also took the patch of land she was standing on, right? So they'd want to keep her someplace where the grass could survive! And there's your answer — she's on the **(Lunar Surface)**, in a **(Bio-dome)**!"

"...But—" Quistis was incredulous. "That doesn't make any sense at all!"

"And we haven't even got to how she avoided the alien tractor beam," said Nida, who had now wedged a conveniently placed pipe in the Anaconduar's mouth, and was wrestling to prevent it from swallowing him whole. "And did I mention the monsters?"

"_Indeed!"_ declared the Oilboyle that had been wrestling Seifer in the previous chapter. All the monsters who weren't eating Nida had crowded between them and the exit. Or generally surrounded them. _"And no clever plan of yours shall protect you from your Pan-Galactic punishment! We shall tear you limb from limb, and suck out your internal organs so as to consume them! For **justice**!"_

"Uh-oh," said Kelleigh. "Looks like they've had to prepare." She turned around and yelled back into the airship. "Guys! Plan B! Delta contingency!"

A few seconds later, Laguna, Kiros and Ward appeared on the entrance, carrying high-tech Esthar versions of their old weapons from 18 years prior.

"Okay, Mr. President!" Kelleigh said to Laguna. "You remember the plan?"

"You bet!" said Laguna. "Let's lock and load!" He cocked his machinegun.

"Laguna, this is a really bad idea," said Kiros.

"I _said_:" Laguna cocked his machinegun again.

"Okay!" Kelleigh said, pumping her fist and surveying the thousands of monsters crowding around them. "_Now_, the odds are evened up a bit!" She pointed theatrically towards the exit. "Let's go!"

"This is getting kinda weird," Rinoa understated.

**C/nomad/fanfic/1388651: more**

Kelleigh was having a _totally_ super-weird first day as a student at Garden. On the one hand, it was, like, a total dream, 'cause she'd transferred from Farragut High School on the South Side of Dollet because she'd been totally bored out of her mind and really wanted to test out the totally awesome magic skills she had taught herself using the GF she had found in her basement, and now she totally had the chance! It hadn't been easy, either — her super-rich parents thought Garden was just for filthy lower-class people who were too poor to have parents, so she'd had to run away from home and fake their signatures on the transfer papers, using the special Forgery skill her GF had just learned. Then her parents had hired a private agent to sabotage her plans, and she'd had to lead the guy all across the surrounding countryside, which got _really_ annoying after a while. Finally she'd tricked him into taking back another girl who looked just like her but was a poor orphan who'd always dreamed of having rich, snobbish parents, and only then could she head for Timber, where she'd negotiated its independence from Galbadia and the grateful townspeople let her take the train to Balamb for free. On the way, she'd also rescued a kitten that had been stranded in the mountains surrounded by wolves and walked an old lady to market so she could buy treats for her grandkids.

As she went over this backstory in her mind, Kelleigh was leading the charge through some corridor, having already totally beat the crap out of the monsters in the courtroom. She was in the lead because her melee weapon — a sword attached to a ten-foot chain that she had built herself and could use to fence with people from across the room like in that scene from _House of Flying Daggers_ — was so totally better than everyone else's.

"Okay!" she said when they reached a door labeled in some crazy moon language. "Here's the **(Bio-dome)**! Selphie's probably right inside!"

"How can this be the **(Bio-dome)**?" asked Nida. "Weren't we deep underground?"

"Who cares about that?" demanded Irvine. "Let's save Selphie already!"

"Right!" Kelleigh said. "Anyone know how to hack into the computer system and open this door?"

"Well, most of us have had basic or specialized SeeD training in electronic warfare," said Nida. "Plus, it doesn't look that strong; we could probably just break it and —"

"Looks like it's up to me, then!" Kelleigh concluded, setting to work at the alien door control panel. "Good thing I found that old book on hacking into alien computer systems in my parents' attic when I was nine!"

Nida sighed. Seifer watched admiringly. Quistis glared. Everyone else did other stuff.

"Got it!" Kelleigh said after about 4.27 seconds, and the door opened.

"How can you _possibly_ be this good at everything?" Quistis asked suspiciously.

"I'm not good at _everything_," Kelleigh protested. "I learned that when I was 6, and finished 27th in the school spelling bee."

Quistis rolled her eyes.

"Guys, look!" exclaimed Rinoa. Inside the room was Selphie, tied to a chair. There was also a cow, a pyramid, a giant stone head, and the four Dark Crystals.

"Selphie!" Irvine ran up to untie her. "I'm so glad you're okay!"

"Well, _that_ was ridiculously easy," said Nida. "...Wait a minute. Dark Crystals?"

"That's right!" said Golbez, approaching them. They hadn't seen him before because he'd been offscreen. "You didn't think you could visit the moon without facing _me_, did you?"

"Given that you died four Final Fantasies ago, I kind of did, yeah," Nida said.

"Hey!" exclaimed Selphie. "Don't spoil _Final Fantasy IV_ for me! I haven't finished it yet!"

"The jig is up, Golbez!" Kelleigh pointed at him dramatically. "You're going _down_!"

"We'll see about that!" declared Golbez. "**_Meteo_**!"

"Huh?" asked Nida. "Did Golbez ever have the ability to summon Mete—"

"AAH!" exclaimed Laguna. "Look at the sky!"

Hanging in the sky above the **(Bio-Dome)** was a giant flaming ball of rock that had totally not been there before.

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Selphie. "That's not Meteo! That's Mete**_or_**!"

"That's right!" said Golbez, holding up his hand triumphantly to reveal the Black Materia. "You didn't think I went through all the other Final Fantasies without learning a trick or two, did you? And don't even _think_ about summoning Holy!"

With that, he stabbed Aeris, who was also there; she fell to the floor, dead.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!" everyone screamed.

"I can't believe you spoiled _that_, too!" exclaimed Selphie angrily, glaring at Golbez.

"Spoiled what?" asked Irvine, wiping away his tears.

"You're a jerk, Golbez!" Kelleigh declared. "And jerks always get their due! Hi-_ya_!" With that, she kicked Golbez in the face.

"Aah!" Golbez exclaimed. "My beautiful, beautiful face! You'll regret this!"

"I don't _think_ so!" Kelleigh retorted.

Then she whistled, and Golbez was eaten by a dragon.

"...Okay, that was bizarre even by current standards," said Nida.

"Good work, Hiryuu!" said Kelleigh, patting the dragon's nose.

"That was _awesome_, Kelleigh!" Irvine gushed. "It's like I'm living some awesome dream full of awesome people, and all of them are you!"

"Yeah," Seifer said, gazing upon Kelleigh with admiration in his eyes. "That _was_ pretty amazing."

Quistis glared.

"Uh huh," agreed Selphie. "But now Aeris is gone forever..."

"No, I got it," Kelleigh said, and used a Phoenix Down. Aeris jumped back to her feet.

"Thanks!" she said. "But...oh, no. I lost the White Materia!"

"That's okay!" said Kelleigh. "I have this _master_ White Materia I won in a chocobo drag race last year!"

"A chocobo...drag race?" asked Nida. "That's it; I'm taking the rest of this scene off."

"Hang on, everybody!" Kelleigh said, holding up the materia. "**_Holy3_**!"

A bright light filled the sky; and when it faded, Meteor was gone. As were all the monsters that hadn't been mentioned so far in this scene but were swarming around them nonetheless.

"Yeah, take that, ya know!" said Raijin. "Guess their monster society wasn't so superior after all, ya know! 'Cause Holy judged them unworthy an' all, ya know? Which is why they all disappeared, ya know?"

"Yeah!" said Kelleigh. "Now it'll be easy to get out of here!"

"Kelleigh, I was skeptical," said Quistis, "but it's clear now we owe you all our lives because of how wonderful you are. Thank you."

"Yeah," said Squall. "I mean...whatever."

"Squall, you really need to open up more!" said Kelleigh. "Rinoa, I thought you were gonna be a better influence on him!"

Rinoa fainted.

"Is this scene over yet?" asked Nida.

**C/nomad/fanfic/1388651: more**

"Come on, let's get this over with!" Kelleigh said. They were now running down the hall again; Squall was carrying Rinoa, and Irvine was carrying Selphie. "We've gotta hurry if we're gonna recover the _Ragnarok_!"

"Um, couldn't we just escape on that other airship you brought wi—" Quistis began.

"No!" Kelleigh exclaimed. "We can't just abandon the _Ragnarok_! The _Ragnarok_ is _awesome_! Even if it'll maybe need some work 'cause the Propagators kind of turned it inside out with their color magic, but — oh, here we are!"

Indeed, they had arrived back in the aliens' **(Alien Holding Bay)**. The _Ragnarok_ stood in the middle of it, the Propagators' color magic having twisted it into a Moebius strip and then balanced on its nose.

"_Yikes!"_ declared a blue Propagator that was limping away, along with another, orange one. _"—So you've come back for more, have you?"_

"Aw, _man_," said Raijin. "How many times do we gotta kill these guys, ya know? 'Cause it's gettin' kinda repetitive, ya know?"

"_You won't get away this time!"_ declared the orange Propagator. _"We've used our color magic to render your pitiful human vessel utterly worthless! Without Propagator magic, you have utterly no chance of using it!"_

"Propagator magic, eh?" said Kelleigh. "I thought you'd never ask! Draw...**_Coloraga_**!"

The _Ragnarok_ quickly un-knotted itself, and in the process came crashing down on the two Propagators, crushing them.

"Why couldn't _I_ ever draw that spell?" wondered Squall.

The vessel's ramp extended automatically, coming to a halt right at Kelleigh's feet.

"Yeah!" she declared. "Mission accomplished! Great work, guys!"

"We certainly seem to have beaten the odds," said Quistis. "And in ways I wouldn't have thought possible."

"And we owe it all to you," said Seifer to Kelleigh. "You have to be the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life. I barely know you, yet it feels my heart already belongs to you."

Quistis frowned. "That seemed like a strange thing for Seifer to say."

"Gee, you think?" asked Nida.

"Oh, Seifer," said Kelleigh, her hazel eyes gazing into his.

"I don't think his eyes are hazel, either," said Quistis.

"Everyone, stop talking," said Seifer. "Let's not ruin this moment."

Taking Kelleigh in his arms, he captured her in the overarching essence of a passionate kiss. By kissing her. Passionately.

"...Yeah, said Nida. "That's definitely a moment we'll want to preserve."

And they all lived happily ever after.

**THE END**

**C/nomad/fanfic/1388651: more**

"Wait a minute," said Irvine. "How can _that_ be the end? Except for Selphie's abduction, nothing got resolved!"

Kelleigh blinked. "...Huh. That's a good point."

Then Selphie vanished.

"...?" asked Irvine. "Okay, _now_ what?"

Kelleigh blinked. "—Oh, no!" she then exclaimed. "I should have known! That wasn't Selphie at all; it was only a hologram!"

"...What?" asked Nida. "How could it possibly have been a hologram? Irvine was _carrying_ her! ...Come to think of it, why was Irvine carrying her?"

Then Laguna was hit in the head by a purple energy beam. "Augh, my brain!" he exclaimed, before collapsing to the ground.

"Laguna!" exclaimed Kiros.

"...!" exclaimed Ward.

"Well, that was random," said Quistis. "What's going on here, anyway?"

"**_The convicted may not ask questions!"_** boomed one of the two zebra-striped Propagators that were now standing behind them.

"_It is as we thought!"_ declared the gray Propagator prosecutor, who was also there. _"We knew that you foolish humans would attempt to retrieve your foolish human vessel!"_

"This is one of the reasons I said we should take that other ship," Quistis said.

"**_The sentence may now be carried out!"_** declared the second zebra-striped Propagator. **_"Get them again!"_**

A small army of Propagators began charging toward the group, chanting "**_GRAG-NAR-BLARGH_**" loudly enough to make the whole room shake.

"Irvine?" said Quistis. "Next time, just _let it end._"

"Sorry," Irvine said.

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